


Coping With Peanut Butter Crackers

by rothbart, TigerMoonBETA



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Closeted Character, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isn't This Fun?, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Outcast!Peridot, Popular!Lapis, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slurs, it's triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:07:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5623432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rothbart/pseuds/rothbart, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerMoonBETA/pseuds/TigerMoonBETA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>two girls from different social classes are forced together in the typical tutoring situation</p><p>but really, this is about the shitstorm that follows</p><p>(basically what happened with this was the first 2 chapters were posted ((mostly so i, personally, could read this and not have to scroll through weeks worth of skype text)) and they were taken down for reasons, but i kept the shell of the work because, and now its back up)</p><p>sexual content starts chapter 3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Overuse Of White

**Author's Note:**

> lmao this is our sin  
> im sorry  
> we're sorry  
> but not really

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> ref self harm  
> ref eating disorder  
> homophobic slurs

Staying after class wasn't out of the ordinary- teachers often came to her with requests that they knew she could handle, simply because she was Lapis Lazuli. Level-headed, intelligent, socially envied and especially reliable: what was not to trust?

One thing. The teacher (not that she deserved said title or actually taught; their teacher was an older woman who would drone on about her theater days for weeks on end if not stopped prematurely) had overlooked a crucial factor, that despite common belief, Lapis Lazuli did not get along with everyone.

Groups upon groups wished to be graced with even the opportunity to sit at the same lunch table as the swimmer; who’d suck up to her like one of those nasty grape popsicles in the sweltering heat of mid-august because despite their disdain for the flavor of concord grape (nobody genuinely likes that flavor come on fuck you) they’d be on the brink of dehydration and having a heat stroke, and stomaching the flavor of drugstore medicine in sugar ice form was well worth it, since there were no other flavors left in the shitty cardboard box- except for Peridot.

Naturally, Lapis had no choice but to oblige, false smile plastered onto her face; they were lucky she no longer had to babysit Steven, or else there would have been a reason to decline. Kissing the asses of her teachers proved to be an intelligent choice, more often than not, though as soon as the only three people that remained in class after the bell were teacher, Lapis, and Peridot, it was only to be assumed nothing good could come of it. And that wasn't wrong. Not right either.

Still, when she was requested- no, commanded -to stay after class, the blonde slacker began to regret the decision as she sat a few chairs away from the ever sunny Lapis Lazuli. Personally, it was a bore and a waste of time for Peridot to even show up to class at that point. Between going over what was a verb for the third time in the week and the greying woman's soliloquies about having to leave the stage, skipping and learning what was on the final exam online was a far better way to spend the hour blocked off for the class.

Sneering up at the teacher, she allowed herself to only hear a portion of what was being said. It was a real talent, that. Phrases like "squandered potential," "slipping grades," and "forced to take action," were flung around, and she hardly moved, save for to run a hand through her hair, choppy and bright blonde. The only word to catch her attention was the one she dreaded. "Tutor." Sitting up straighter, the slacker found her eyes darting from the slightly husky instructor to the annoyingly pretty, always beaming girl across from her.

This could not be happening. She wouldn't allow it.

And Lapis wasn't opposed to tutoring, as she had done so many times before, but the immediate look splayed on her peer and the combined feeling of a hostile-rising atmosphere, and a glare to ever-perky face, Lapis decided in that moment she was more opposed than not,

Reluctantly turning her official attention toward the girl that she would soon be tutoring- knowing that they'd have to acknowledge each other at one point or another- Lapis was reminded of a very apparent red flag that came along with Peridot's appearance, and the rumors spread through hushed murmurs and fuchsia lipgloss.

Her hair. Short, choppy, and aside from it looking like the taller of two had some form of a perpetual bedhead, it also shouted one other thing; it was wrong- Lapis knew, though the extremely influential rumors and stereotypes she'd been exposed to through clique-hopping less than respectfully implied that Peridot was not straight.

Lapis thought that in the nicest way possible, though still chastised herself. Which, completely went against her own, being the epitome of what everyone assumed to be straight though of course: was not.

And of course- of course the teacher had to politely request that they'd start sooner than later, considering it was the beginning of the quarter, beginning of the year before things would truly go to waste, therefore Peridot could "grasp the material" before any major tests or quizzes.

Nope. No. No way in hell. The blonde's gaze could have cut her teacher in half if it was nearly as sharp as it simply looked.

Being dumped onto this girl who, being at the peak of popularity, stood for all the others who shoulder checked and threw wads of paper and the occasional bit of food should they be at lunch, would snicker and gesture with each other should she even speak with someone of the same sex. She couldn't do it. And yet, as she shook her head slowly, the woman was going on about how at least one session was mandatory of them. As much as she couldn't be bothered with classwork, this was different. Skipping this would mean calls home and detentions and keeping her with this harpy of a woman for even longer. While both of the other two in the room grated at her nerves, Lapis was at least easy to look at.

Fine, whatever, it was fine.

Today was the athlete’s only free day, as others prompted swimming practice and football games and other social obligations- not today, conveniently. Though she’d be lying if she wasn’t mentally willing and picturing her phone to receive a text message that would prompt the feigning of surprise and ‘oh I can’t, not today, something has just come up, oh my!’.

Chirping out a "Yes ma'am, will do!" even though she was dreading the fact that Peridot would be coming over her house that day, they were dismissed, Lapis stood, gathering her things, and made her way into the hallway. However, as soon as they were out of the classroom, she deflated, grin falling and slouching instead of her more proper posture.

With that, too, Peridot followed suit, hurrying out of the room into the shuffling masses of the high school hallway, weaving through the bodies around her to find her locker. Twisting the knob to input her combination from pure muscle memory, she produced a fading messenger bag and dropped off the books she wouldn't need for later on, then closed the metal door a little too forcefully. Passing a group that had made a small crowd, Lapis' posse of course, she slipped out of the school as unnoticed as she could to wait outside rather than shove her way into the crowd to meet the shorter girl there. Being seen with Peridot during school hours would stain her name somehow, and the disinterested girl figured going into the tutoring with Lapis hating her as little as possible would be the way to go.

And Lapis tried. Tried to be the good little student she was, be optimistic and open to the idea, but it was blindingly obvious that this would not be an easy task. Still, she gossiped and whispered and complained to all her friends who gasped and hugged her and apologized in a manner which struck a chord within Lapis for a reason she could not place; 'you've got me on speed dial in case she tries to get into your pants'. And while Lapis was not at all fond of the girl, saying those types of things felt a tad wrong, maybe because they could easily be saying the same thing about her, if not for her fortunate situation. Everyone thought they knew Lapis- they... didn't actually know her but, that was intentional on Lapis' end. Of course everyone who was of some place on the social-food chain, was vaguely and subconsciously aware that almost everyone put on a facade of sorts.

Waving goodbye to multiple people as they called her name (some of which she didn't even know) (figuring it would be best to go outside and see if she could catch Peridot before the girl ran off trying to skip their study session: Lapis would not suffer the consequence for someone else's misbehaving) she stepped out of the building. And it took a moment to find the girl, thought the moment was rather short as Peridot was a too tall to ignore let alone miss.

Leaning against the stony wall of the school, the young slacker's jade eyes scanned the crowd for any sign of the girl she was supposed to go home with. When she caught her figure, all gentle curves and practically floating, Peridot almost raised a hand to get her attention, but the look in her tutor's eyes told her it wasn't necessary. She waited for Lapis to come to her, and when they met up, she matched her stride effortlessly as she listened to the strained serenity. Lord, the other was having just as much trouble hanging on as her willowy counterpart was, but her smile was always present in public, and that time did not diverge.

"I live three blocks away. We're walking. Follow me."

Voice quiet and rough and slightly nasal, the taller nodded and stated, "Sounds good to me."

She really didn't attempt to sound bitter, even going as far as to try to fake some sort of enthusiasm, but some of her true attitude seeped through anyway. It was in her body language as well, the way she moved stiffly with her head down, like she was just as embarrassed to be seen with Lapis as it was the other way around. Beyond her initial statement, she moved along in silence. Three blocks wasn't far. Before they left Lapis meekly requested to walk on the inside of the sidewalk as to avoid possible catcalls from passing cars, which happened to be a part of her routine, despite the roads not being busy, and by extension the trek was almost uncomfortably quiet. Had it been anyone else, the outcast of a girl may have tried to strike up a conversation.

Though through the duration of the silent walk, Lapis began to internally panic, only slightly however; what was she going to do with this girl?

If Peridot's grades were that poor of a reflection, and her attitude was really as it had been rumored, Lapis was in for hell. Not a problem. Or, it might not have been if they could at least tolerate one another, which seemed to be happening. Neither thrilled.

Upon arrival, noticing the lack of cars and silently thanking the higher power (not that it wasn’t a normal occurrence, as her parents worked all day sun up to sun down) Lapis mumbled out an apology and pulled out her house key. Once she'd unlocked the door, Peridot couldn't help but be impressed by the sheer level of tidiness and order. It was downright meticulous. Her home wasn't filthy by any means, but with just her mother to take care of the both of them, the place was far less impressive than the one she stood in now.

Before following the smaller girl any further, she slipped off her shoes. They were old and well worn skater flats, and a scolding for wearing them on the spotless carpet was nothing she needed to hear from the girl who was already very obviously unhappy. Her socks were plain and black, as many of hers were, and too in great contrast to the interior of the star-students home; white walls and white carpet upon other indications- Lapis knew there would be no more postponing the inevitable. Padding up the stairs, while on the other hand her tutor seemed to glide, maybe even float, Peridot let out a soft sigh before turning into the tiny overachiever's room and oh lord _it looked like a psych ward ._ The overuse of the colour white had a sterile feeling that made the dwelling feel not at all lived in, but she didn't dare comment.

"You don't want to be here. But I have to tutor you. Sit at my desk and take your notebook out- please."

When the room's owner, just as unsettlingly well put together as the place she stood in, spoke, she couldn't hold back any longer.

As she pawed through the contents of her bag to pull out a notebook like Lapis had requested, her lips parted in a snide smirk.

"You catch on quick, princess." The notebook was plopped onto the table, then a cheap black pen. "So what is it our dear teacher wants you to tutor me on?"

"You weren't listening. Of course. Why would I have expected any different? Don’t actually answer that; it was rhetorical.”

Lapis liked the white walls. She liked her pristine comforter and neat, organized home that made up for the mess inside her head. She liked the excess feeling of cleanliness because at any other point, she felt violated and impure for a collection of reasons that remained hidden. Not everything was that color though- light blues and yellows and even some plants that was a stark contrast against her choice of paint. Taking care of a plant was easier than taking care of herself, she found.

Sighing, and rolling her eyes at Peridot's crass, she pulled a second chair over to the desk, and toed off her shoes by the door before sitting down.

"Apparently you aren't doing so hot in language arts and literacy, and the teacher wants me to change that. Could you, please, open to the most recent assignment so I can see why you're doing poorly? So I could help you understand?"

If she were being honest, Lapis had nearly no clue where to start with the girl. Did the instructor really think it was okay to dump Peridot on her and expect things to go well? Right. Sighing once more, though exasperated, Lapis ran both hands through her hair, and then under her eyes in an attempt to combat fatigue.

Lapis' soft sighs of exhaustion only tempted Peridot to egg her on further, but not now. Now was time to throw her slightly pretentious classmate for a loop.

Eyes nearly glazed over with what must be boredom, spindly fingers leafed through the lined pages to the notes from the section, scrawled in impossibly tiny lettering for a girl with such thick glasses. A closer look would show that one, the notes didn't exactly match the content of the language arts teacher's power-point presentation, and two, they extended on about halfway through the next unit. The blonde didn't care for attending classes or doing the classwork, but passing the final was important for finals and graduation. The material was important, the class was far from it.

 _What. What?_ Squinting tiredly at the scrawl, Lapis rubbed her eyes once more, blinking as though that would somehow change the content of the paper. But alas it didn't- no.

Then, the impressing part was over as soon as it had begun. The assignment hadn't even been started. Hell, she hadn't even penned her name in yet.

Cocking an eyebrow as she clicked her pen, she droned, "So what, I just attempt this while you watch?"

Before waiting for a response, the scanned the paper and began to fill in answers. She was quick and accurate, as she strived to be in things that interested her. Currently, annoying Lapis was at the top of her list of interests.

Her pen skated over the paper and Peridot gently chewed her lip as she wrote, eyes half lidded with disinterest. When Lapis began her flabbergasted little utterances, the blonde slowly turned her head so that their eyes met, setting down the pen for a moment.

"I don't... get it. You- you've got notes and you're filling that in correctly without even having to go back. So... why are you getting bad grades?"

It didn't add up, whatsoever. Why would a perfectly smart girl waste her intelligence: surely she cared, right? And wasn't a slacker despite outstanding potential: Lapis would have killed to be like that- not the slacker part, just the latter.

And Peridot just shrugged.

"Class is boring, it's easier to check out for an hour and at least ace the tests than sit through the instruction and do all of the busywork." Picking up the pen again, she added, "The tests are enough to pass with." Watching the frustration in the smaller girl's face was enough so that Peridot had to stifle a chuckle as she filled in the answers.

As if sensing the motivation and Peridot’s current interest; annoying her tutor, if you will, Lapis extended her hand- all of the short answers were finished now, and before she could move on to the single extended response passage, Lapis reached over and Lapis’ hand was on hers. _Lapis' hand was on hers._ She was too gay for this, she was far too gay for this pretty, fit girl with soft palms and a smile that charmed the most bitter teachers was touching her hand and it didn't feel like malice at all.

“Maybe the tests _are_ enough to pass with. But if you intend on getting full credit for the homework, you ought to write the date.”

Then she let go.

Running her free hand through her short, messy hair to help regain her composure, Peridot looked to the girl for a moment and carefully wrote in the date before moving back to working on the paragraph she needed to construct for the last question.

In a way satisfied, that Peridot had complied, and listened to at least one damn thing she’d said that afternoon without scoffing out an immediate snark to match, Lapis retracted her hand dutifully before the full extent of the slacker’s words began to sink into her brain.

In the midst of trying to win, in trying to fluster Peridot and regain control, Lapis had allowed the words to skim over her ears and not be comprehended because they hadn’t mattered in that moment. They did now.

"You've got to be kidding me... That's- that's insane, that's absolutely insane. You... you mean to tell me I'm sitting here wasting my time with- with the class queer on something she doesn't even need help on?" _Shit. Of course_ she'd let a slur slip out. How positively hospitable.

As soon as it had begun, the short moment of flustered confusion was over and her tutor was speaking again. The skinny blonde's grip around the pen tightened then. She knew it was coming from the start. Get someone going and they would come back to it every time without fail; it was a weapon that could be used against her to break her spirits if need be and put her into a state of unease. But not this time, she wouldn't let Lapis have that.

Instead, she plastered on a wicked smirk and leaned into the overachiever's words. In a low tone, almost a growl, she told her, "Oh, I suppose I should apologize now. Because our beloved Lapis can't be known as the one who has to hang out with the class queer- no, the school dyke, yeah? You and your friends are too good for the likes of me, of this butch chick without a snowball's chance in hell of pulling her life together."

Hand nearly flying to the edge of the desk, Lapis ensnared the edge of the table in a grip of steel, one so forceful and probably tighter than she might have used if her life depended on it, flush knuckles evening out to a pale white due to the sheer intensity.

"Peridot all you have to do is stop being... lazy. Try. Everyone else puts up with the bullshit busy work; it's not that hard. I swear."

Now that'd she'd given into Peridot's little game, the entire exchange something new and a little exciting though mostly draining, Lapis squared herself and faced the girl. Eyes flickering down to the paper, extended response written exceptionally, she debated on the few ways to go about it.

"So please. Just try because when you start pulling Bs- I know you can- then you won't have to come over here and deal with me. And that's not an excuse to get bad grades, no matter how much you want to see my face either."

The paper was finished. The paper that they'd set a couple hours aside for, because Peridot obviously didn't understand the course material and needed more than just help producing the answers. Lazy. Ha! Lapis could see the pages of notes in front of her, copied down in the lanky girl's own time. She was disinterested, a slacker, and admittedly didn't care too much whether she passed or failed a course like language arts, but she was far from lazy. The last little comment had her going again.

"Your face? Is that what this is about? God, you're all alike." She practically spat her words at the smaller girl, now close enough so that their noses were millimeters apart. "Oh look, she digs girls so she's into me by default." One soft, bitter laugh later and she asked, "What makes you think I'd want to see you any more than I have to?"

Alike.

Lapis was exactly the same- a carbon copy of the people she hung out with. Of course. Technically, Peridot couldn't have known. Couldn't have known about what set her apart from the others in her group, even if it wasn't there to see. And that was probably why Peridot was more so confused by the anger than the hurt. That was the thing everyone always assumed but it couldn't be farther from the truth- and it made her furious. True, she shouldn't have allowed the word _queer_ to slip, but personal attacks should have been beyond prohibited.

Flushing a bright shade of red due to her internal rage, Lapis took a shallow breath that... she was afraid to take since Peridot was so close. Forced herself to inhale, the thick, breath rumbling and filling up her lungs that sometimes struggled to function; shook her ribs and diminished some of the flush before speaking.

"You aren't denying the claim." Cocking her head to the side, Lapis tried to desperately to regain control of the situation, mentally willing the color in her face to die down.

With a voice akin to poisoned honey, the bitter girl purred, "I've nothing to deny."

"You think you're better than everyone, just because you're butch- don't you? Obviously out of everybody's league because traditional femininity is something to be looked down upon, huh?"

It took more effort than the slacker would have liked to admit not to tip her head back and cackle. Lapis actually thought that this pitiful, skinny blonde with perpetual dark rings under her eyes and a tendency to take a blade to her skin when the going got tough thought she was above her. More often than not, she hated herself. She acted big mostly because she prayed that if she faked it long enough, the confidence would eventually feel less forced. Their hometown wasn't exactly San Francisco, though, and she'd learned very early on that even a healthy dose of self love probably wouldn't remedy the social nosedive she found herself in. Fuming. Lapis was fuming. Tired eyes and harsh voice, rigid muscles as she knew she lacked in the physical intimidation department thanks to their height difference. This wasn't what she needed. It was the last thing that she needed- adding fuel to the fire that she'd tried so hard to smother. Stomping on the ashes only to have Peridot waltz in and reignite the embers. Fantastic.

"You think you're special because you're queer. Well guess what _sweetie_ ; you're not the only one."

Her words were clipped dangerously, snipped on the ends of vowels and consonants with the same blade she'd turned to her thighs no longer than two weeks ago and _oh fuck fuck wait she hadn't meant to say that,_ the words had come tumbling out when they had no place to. Hopefully Peridot would conveniently ignore that, and though that was one of the least likely things in the world, Lapis still prayed it, begging it into truth.

"I did not agree to this so you could come over and argue with me. Start pulling Bs, get your shit together, and stop assuming you know who I am; because _you don't._ "

A slip of the tongue was all it took to get Peridot's eyes gleaming with cruel satisfaction. As much as Lapis relied on her issuing the little detail, that wasn't the case. Observant and a chronic overthinker, the girl picked up on the statement immediately. God, if she wasn't so acutely aware of how hypocritical it would be, she could ruin the smaller senior should she say anything to really piss the blonde off.

Cracking a grin, the abrasive girl breathed, "Goodness, seems I really don't know you like I thought I did. It was only statistically likely that I couldn’t of been the only one; who would've thought, perfect little Lazuli." With a patronizing snort, she added, "Let me guess, gay as a playwright and playing all femme and catty until you can kiss the assholes here goodbye and scoot on off to college, right?"

"I- I..."

_Idiot! Stupid fuck, she’s going to ruin you!_

Fuck. Fuck. This was bad. So terribly and undeniably bad- it was so much more than bad but the blue-haired girl couldn’t be bothered to come up with a better adjective. She was too preoccupied focusing on the fact that agreeing to this had been the worst mistake she’d ever made. And she'd made a considerable amount in her lifetime.

"Something like that, though what makes you think you're entitled to that information?"

The words were right there; about to smile out the command through clenched teeth- the first syllable left her lip and then the rest of the sentence died just like her hope at maintaining a decent social status for the rest of the year: "Y-"

It would have been _you can leave now._ But Lapis refused to say it because even though she was fighting a losing battle, giving in would be even worse.

Little Lapis Lazuli, who couldn't have stood taller than five foot three, who made it clear that no one else was allowed in her bathroom, whose many sports like swimming during the summer and cheerleading during fall, gave the perfect excuse to exercise- Lapis Lazuli whose parents were too busy working to look after their own daughter, who strived to be perfect in every aspect of her life; Little Lapis Lazuli cracked.

"Why do you care anyway? It's very obvious you're not into me so that's of no use to you. What are you going to do with that? Tell someone. They'll never believe you. You're here because you're struggling in writing class, not to torment me. Get your more than capable self together so you don't have to come here again."

That's cute, she assumed Peridot was looking to tell, looking to throw the tiny girl to the dogs for the same reason she'd been the school joke ever since braiding her hair back became too much of a bother and hacked most of it off.

"Why do I care? Because you're no better than all the others even if you do really play on my team."

She'd been there, peering across the hallway when members of her own social group catcalled Peri with malicious sarcasm, she was there when they would catch her by the shoulder and send her into the wall when they were feeling particularly nasty, and she didn't do shit.

Didn't know how to deal, so she did what she always did, which was bottle it up and shove it down. Later, it would come back up, quite literally but Peridot wouldn't be there to see it. Faces much too close, Lapis leaned away, reaching over to collect Peridot's notebook and pen, dropped them into the book bag, and stood. When the girl stood as if to walk away, Peridot moved without thinking, pale skinned hand curling around the honor student's wrist in a grip that was far from hostile and used just enough force to hold her in place while she rose to her feet as well.

Easily half a foot taller than the other, her cool gaze bore into her tutor as she murmured, "They won't believe it if it's coming from me. But it'll sow these seeds of doubt. People will think twice when you turn some little fanboy down."

She wasn't a total outcast either, friends who were a little higher up the pecking order could easily let the fact slip into conversation like some sort of happy little accident. Despite all this, her expression softened with a hint of sincerity.

"But I won't tell. That would be a bitchy thing to do, even of me."

God, they were close again and the willowy young woman's pale eyes were locked with the ocean blues of the girl she'd gone out of her way to torment and she was gorgeous no matter how much her attitude or seemingly perfect demeanor irritated her.

The small girl wanted so badly to believe that Peridot was being honest. Her voice sounded sincere and the way her eyes creased when her expression softened.... it felt so real and Lapis' heart dared skip a beat, though the feeling was warm it also brought a nausea and a dizziness Lapis was plenty used to.

In Peridot's grip, Lapis flexed and curled her fingers, taking comfort in the way the lanky hand had no trouble encircling her wrist even if the implications and truths behind that were just as self-destructive. Though she took genuine relief upon knowing that Peridot wouldn't tell. Even if her passive aggressive threats held some truth value, watched in terror and wide eyed.

She found herself fixated on this... this social outcast. Short, blonde hair that looked like it hadn't seen a comb in days; sleep deprived and tall figure that she wasn't suppose to notice. Not suppose to lay an eye on. Yet here Peridot was. Yet there they stood. Very close and for the first time in quite some time, Lapis was warm.

There was this terrible, uncomfortable silence of just... Gazing. The two stood, stiff and rigid together and Peridot's heart pounded in her chest, her pupils reduced to mere pinpricks. When thanked, she could manage a curt nod and no more, releasing her wrist and letting her hand hang in the air, still hovering over the athlete's tiny hand. Gaze locking on the place where Peridot had been holding her wrist, Lapis closed her eyes and after a silent moment, opened them once more.

"Thank you."

She still hated the girl. In an odd way. A bias so deeply ingrained into her brain that it was hard to overcome, however, there were some people Lapis just did not want to get along with. That could change; social bridges would be crossed and burned and the school would be in chaos, something Lapis preferred not to deal with. Maybe later.

"You don't have to stay, I'm... as long as you make it seem like you're putting some effort into the class, this whole tutoring thing can stop. Unless you want to sit here in semi-hostile silence for another hour or two."

Rolling her pale eyes, the ran a hand through her choppy hair, bringing it down to rub the back of her neck in a weak effort to self soothe, emitting a dark chuckle as she did so.

Looking back toward the petite girl with a wolfish grin, she shrugged and considered aloud, "I mean, how bad could an hour or two of semi-hostile silence be, really?"

She'd already messaged her mother with an approximate time she'd be home, not that the distant woman would care very much. As much as the two grated on each other, she did find some form of amusement from sweating Lapis like this. The girl had such a calm composure at school and in the back of her mind, she wondered if anyone Lapis hung out with by choice had seen her this flustered before.

The answer to that was no. No one had really ever been graced with the opportunity to see Lapis so disheveled; unless of course it was acting or empty crying in the bathroom wiping away her mascara. That rarely happened simply because she never often lost her cool. Save for those few instances, not quite anyone had seen her so flustered.

"You'd be surprised."

So Peridot was staying. Perfect amazing fantastic, Lapis couldn't be happier. Time for yet another 'here's a tour of the fifty billion rooms in my house, or sitting awkwardly in the bedroom the whole time' or.

Or ‘hey, do you wanna hold back my hair while I barf!?’

Lapis bit back a shiver.

"You're welcome to stay just... please give me a moment to go compose myself. I don't like feeling like... this."

Some of the residual venom clung to her tone now, even when the tall, almost frail looking girl didn't need or want it. "Of course, I can wait here."

Pushing her buttons like she was, Peridot was a little surprised she hadn't been all but chased out. Her abrasive nature what somewhat of a talent at this point. She'd developed it young, if someone got on her nerves, she would scan for any sort of weak spot, then prod at it until whoever she chose to torment was either ready to beat her senseless or dissolve into sobs. Was it a little mean? Yes. Did it prove to be a good self defense mechanism? Oh yes. With some of the people she'd dealt with, the only correct tactic was to envelop herself in venom and strike harder and quicker than they could.

Pulling her hand away and frowning at the unsettling chill that replaced the heat, Lapis crossed her arms. It was an unwelcome weight that settled in her chest, spread to her gut and preyed upon her limbs until they felt like lead. Queasy. Brushing past Peridot, Lapis began the excruciatingly long, slow walk across her bedroom to the door; hoping that she could make it out before Peridot stopped her.

When she shuffled in place as the smaller girl passed her in a desperate attempt to be alone for a moment, she caught a hint of, what, perfume? Body mist? Some sweet smelling spray that the tutor was probably wearing that had the blonde's skin prickling with goosebumps. _Fuck._

As soon as Lapis was out of the room, the blonde was a flurry of twitchy movements. Combing through her hair with her long fingers, peering into a mirror to make sure everything was in place as she tugged at the collar of her top, a tank top nearly half as old as she was that showed off a pitifully small bust and sharp collarbones, pulling her thick framed glasses off and putting them back on again nervously. God, why did she even care? She could practically see the disdain for her rolling off of Lapis in waves and yet here she was, frantically making herself look as good as she could with the minute or so she had alone. She fixed her hair again. It always looked the same, really, but now she was just situating it on impulse.

Stepping out into the hallway, Lapis left Peridot to stand in her room, padding into the bathroom and shutting the door, being extra sure to lock it as well. She didn't want this nor did she need it. Things were fine how they were; then Peridot had to come and fuck it all up, didn't she?

Casting her gaze to the mirror, Lapis huffed and leaned against the granite counter for support, knuckles turning white due to the intensity of her grip, just as they had the desk.

_Try not to panic. Breathe and don't cry._

Bags under her eyes. Hair unusually mussed. Frown. How to fix it: not a problem. Things like this had become more are more routine for the small girl, and she'd gone so far as to develop a series of steps to recollect herself. Stomach lurching, Lapis downed a cup of water, though it was no help in relieving the internal weight.

Reapply makeup, she dabbed the opaque semi-liquid to the skin under her eyes and blended until the results of her late night binging were no more. Brush hair, even out the fading blue strands that everyone seemed to rave about in one way or another, settle so the roots weren’t as noticeable. Perfume, but not overwhelming because the last thing Lapis really needed besides confrontation was to smell like the overly-lit, sneeze inducing sections of Macy’s and after a few minutes of her pointless doting, which would suffice to make her external presence better and to put her mind in order, Lapis was okay.

At least, until her attention was turned to the toilet- bile rising in her throat and finger twitching, reminding her of her little technique, dirty secret, which could rid her of even the heaviest guilt or anxieties, even in these trying times and; no. Not now. She’d reek of retch and puke and it was a smell so deeply ingrained in her clothes not even perfume could mask it once the deed had been done. One final breath, and she'd coaxed herself to make the journey back to her bedroom, where she assumed Peridot would be waiting. Though she lingered in the door frame, regaining her words.

"Thank you for being patient."

She was turned away from the door when Lapis materialized in the frame, stiffening with surprise when she heard her voice. It was light, musical. Not like the scratchy, nasal sounds that she made and loathed. Regaining her composure was an instantaneous action, and she was back to being all smirks and ego once she turned around.

"No trouble at all." Striding back over to her tiny counterpart, she mused, "How do you suppose we kill an hour or two?" She cocked an eyebrow, curious as to how the always busy Lapis Lazuli acted during her free time.

The difference was extremely subtle. But that didn't mean Lapis couldn't pick up on it, because she did; Peridot had fixed her hair. Something about the way it sat was different than before, and a knowing, yet innocent smile came to rest upon Lapis' face at the discovery. So... she hadn't denied anything, but her previous claims were rather... snide, much like the smirk she currently wore, Lapis had a bit of trouble reading Peridot's emotions, though when the taller girl stiffened before turning around, a rather cruel plan formed in Lapis Lazuli's mind.

"Well, I never quite have much free time. Truthfully I've got at least two hours worth of homework, so please consider yourself... an exception."

Daring to take a smaller step closer, which was entirely on purpose and then much into personal space, the small girl tilted her chin up to meet Peridot's gaze, no longer struggling to match it. But she pursed her lips in thought, as though considering the other's question (there were a decent amount of things to do in her house, none of which Lapis felt like suggesting).

"A- ah, wait. Come down here; to my level." Raising both hands to the height of her own face, Lapis beckoned Peridot closer, she found herself struggling as she swallowed a knot in her throat.

Collectively, the amount of ice in their gazes could have sparked an early winter. Behind it, harder to see, was a nervous, uncomfortable heat that had Peridot's heart fluttering like a frightened bird and we moved without thinking when she was spoken to, stuck in a haze as she bent her knees just so. It wasn't like kneeling to be on a child's level, there was less of a difference in height, which led to an awkward, silly looking crouch that, at the moment, felt right and perfect despite how her already subpar balance was compromised and the position reminded her of wall sits from her own days as an athlete.

And then Lapis had touched her-  threaded her fingers through Peridot's recently altered hair, undoing what had been done while she was away. Mussing it up again and encouraging the organized chaos, seemingly ignoring how close their faces were- knowing, _knowing exactly what she was doing to the taller of the two_ when she stuck her tongue out slightly in the midst of her work with those small, gentle hands doting through short blonde locks that she'd hurriedly fixed just moments before, and the frigid act melted away to a girl who was less cruel grins and more wide eyes and a pounding heartbeat. Once she was satisfied though, and confident it looked like it had not long ago, Lapis retracted her hands and returned them to her sides.

"Okay."

They were too close, breathing each other's air in desperate, shallow breaths, and as soon as Lapis' touch retreated, the taller senior took what could very well go down in history as one of the most idiotic leaps of faith ever performed by a scared high school lesbian.

She tipped forward.


	2. A Kiss Is Worth 2,000 Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smooch :*
> 
> tw   
> ref dub/non/underage

The space between their faces was so small and she already had the leverage to tip forward just so; physically, it was a breeze. Lip brushed lip, then pressed hard and there was no romantic spark like any movie on the face of the earth would have suggested happens with every single first kiss between two people. It was so forceful and- and so quick that by the time Lapis registered that it happened, she was still struggling with the voice inside her head whom she knew was wrong more often than not except this time it shouted  _ go, move you idiot! Do  _ **_something!_ ** But more importantly it was angry and bitter and so right and Peridot knew of her mistake and the risk immediately, but let it last.

When they parted, her jade eyes were wide and afraid, but her tone was as cold as ever when she murmured, "I- fuck. Fuck, sorry, that was stupid I-"

A shaky hand ran through the blonde mess that the tiny girl had created, undoing some of her work and restoring just a bit of order.

And even after Peridot pulled away, the weight still rested on Lapis' lips, eyes first filled with confusion but then not so much because she understood. Gaze locking on Peridot, her own expression unreadable, Lapis relaxed the muscles she hadn't even noticed were tense. Fingers unfurled from the fist they had formed in sheer surprise and she took a breath.

She wasn't screaming at the blonde though.

Wasn't shoving her away and storming out or delivering a stinging slap to the face or lurching for her phone to tell her pack of friends that what they'd assumed had been right all along. She was receptive, to a degree and she was warm and soft and pretty to a point that was a little infuriating. Peridot had never panicked like this before, not when she was ten and shoving her gameboy and various junk food into her school bag to run away from home for some petty reason she couldn't even remember, not when she was twelve-  _ twelve  _ -with some sophomore girl between her legs because  _ "this will let you know of you're sure or not- now shut up,"  _ not when the rumors cropped up overnight and her classmates began acting cruel and nasty. It wasn't the same type of panic, at least. One that festered and tugged in her gut and screamed that this was going to destroy her if she made one false move.

It was silent for the longest of time, the seconds crumpled into minutes and slipped by, each creeping as though they were afraid to step on a mine that had been planted in the ground the minute Peridot had entered the house- afraid to set it off neither spoke nor moved until the weight of the absence of words became too hard for the small girl to bear. It sat, heavy on her shoulders same as the mass of her head that spun, filled with thoughts and possibilities that made her vision blurry with the same fuzziness of static.

"You’re brave."

“More like stupid.”

“Those are really just the same thing, in context. Aren’t they?” The words were small to match how Lapis felt; in general. In life, in the situation, or any given situation for that and especially compared to Peridot.

It was so wrong that a massive warning filled her head, screaming; _ no. _

**_No_** . _You're Lapis Lazuli and you are_ ** _perfect._** _This is_ ** _bad, stop wanting to kiss her._**

Pushing the danger to the back of her mind, because she simply did not care for once, in a feat considered both brave and stupid, Lapis reached up once again, fingers curling into Peridot's hair, blue eyes fixed on jade ones as the small girl pulled her closer until their faces were just millimeters apart. And despite the panic, Peridot was nodding when Lapis spoke and fixated on her eyes, just as horrified and full of want as the taller girl was.

"Doing that only helps support what they say about you, yknow?”

With a roll of her eyes, Peridot inquired, "What, you gonna tell? I think we both know that would end badly for you, too."

She wouldn't admit it, but the next comment stung for reasons she couldn't fathom. And she didn't care to bother with thinking about that now, or anything because Lapis had woven those gentle fingers through her hair again and-

“But if you're going to kiss me, do it right."

\- And leaned forward, much slower than the other had, pressing their lips together more gently. Just warm and fuzzy albeit a tad clumsy, but it was right and she was so close and her lips were just as soft as she thought they would be when she was halfheartedly scribbling answers down on her homework. Lapis tilted her head, breathing shakily out of her nose, just as soon as Peridot’s unsteady hands found a home on the short girl's waist, the kiss was over and she was speaking and apologizing.

Stepping back, body trembling there was no time for a reflective silence because her grievances and  regret had escaped her lips as soon as they were free.

"I'm... sorry, I shouldn't-"

Peridot shut her down quickly, a small, dark smile forming at her lips. "No, you definitely should."

This was different. Lapis was terrified because Peridot, of all people. Peridot scared her: tall and icy glare and words that could cut. Could kill. And even though Peridot was right in front of her, smile that sent shivers down her spine, Lapis wanted more and that frightened her.

Wanted, needed the hands on her waist even if it stung and she had to will away tears that threatened to pool in her eyes and this was not what they were suppose to be doing. Despite her multitude of experience, this puzzled her beyond belief so she stayed in place, knees buckling and the rest of her muscles rigid. Lapis seemed small and terrified, ready to disintegrate and blow away with the gentlest breeze or a touch in the wrong place and even then, with Peridot's hands on her she held strong and that was scary on it's own for the admittedly intimidating blonde, because she had barely kept it together the first time any girl had given her the the attention she craved. Mostly because she was young. Young and unsure and only infatuated with the idea of the other girl. Over the years, it had gotten easier. Summertime hookups when she was sure they had no connection with anyone she went to school with, nights spent tangled up in some girl in the middle of a party in another city, because she craved the idea of companionship and feared the idea of the rumors being confirmed or denied within her own town. Lapis was dangerous and that excited the girl who had thrown away most of the regard for her safety and wellbeing long ago found herself worrying as she leaned into the smaller girl's touch.

"Maybe, it’s- I’m… fuck, just wait-"

Breathe in. Out. In. Out. Insides tangled in an impossible knot, headphones shoved in pockets and helplessly knotted in a way too infuriating to fix and just a bit dizzy, Lapis forced the anxiety down, looking up at Peridot and squaring herself and her shoulders, not that it would have mattered. Peridot had complete and total control here, despite it being Lapis’ element she found herself completely addled because her go-to was that she liked what she knew. She liked what she knew because it was a constant, a solid vice in her life which only spiraled further out of control which each breath and yet, for the first time she was drawn to something new. Something she didn’t know; Peridot.

Why? No. It didn't matter. Because no one was home and no one would know and Lapis was absolutely fed up with trying to force a false perfect exterior for her own sake. Fed up with her flaws and the flaws of others much so in the way she was fed up too quickly and found herself weighed down. She’d continue it, yes.

But this wasn't for the sake of other people; it was for herself.

Stepping forward to where she had just been, Lapis reached up, hands coming to rest on the sides of Peridot's face, and she pulled the taller back to her height. And kissed her. Hard. Much so she thought she saw stars but simply couldn't give a damn. Desperate from the years and years of bottling everything up, needy and Lapis tilted her own head to draw the gesture out because nothing was going to stop her.

Gentleness seemed a little less important this time around, and the slacker tugged the girl forward to press against her as she tipped her head in conjunction with her companion's, teeth grazing the girl's bottom lip, who in turn trembled in the taller girl’s hold. One pale hand wandered up to cup the swimmer's cheek, running her thumb over soft, meticulously maintained skin.

And in that moment, more than anything really, Peridot centered in on the realization of how much she had really wanted this. Because her fleeting crush on the school’s most valued student, albeit minor, resurfaced every damn day of her pathetic existence when they’d brush by in school or when her pale, jaded eyes would glaze over the most crisp, perfect shade of blue in class, and in passing when she’d catch a hint of that perfume that she tried to desperately to soak up now. Wanted this more than she could think to focus on how her lips were slightly chapped and raw from gnawing habitually at them or how that it was actually happening as though her own brain were playing some sort of cruel trick and she’d wake to find it was just a dream.

When it became apparent that air was something they both needed, Peridot hardly moved, forehead pressed up against Lapis' as she gulped for oxygen.

And it wasn't a dream.

Lapis, grateful for the small break she'd been given, wrestled with an inner conscious for her eyes to stay open, her whole face warm and hazy despite the shivers she always seemed to be stuck dealing with at some point in the day. Forehead against forehead and hand on cheeks though it was probably very uncomfortable for Peridot, and they likely looked a bit silly, Lapis had no reason to care. She found solace in the unfamiliar warmth, words that were spoken against her mouth that she had trouble understanding. They jumbled together and Lapis almost couldn't hear them, foggy and quiet yet so very loud- too anxious, she was too anxious and confused and terrified but that only excited her.

Peridot was speaking before she could stop herself, technical and cold and automatic despite the heat of the moment. She didn't dare make eye contact.

"It's not- it's not like being with a guy, if you've ever. It's, um, girls tend to be more conscious of what's going on. And it feels, like, really different."

(Informing her of what was to come, if that was what they were doing, if Lapis didn't stop her because Peridot sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to put an end to this.)

On edge, blinking slowly, taking a moment to interpret the words, Lapis, upon realization, couldn't ignore the chill that shot up her back because of the implications of Peridot's words. She wanted- she... was suggesting they..

Blue eyes widened considerably, pupils dilating, she had to fight every nerve in her body that desperately wanted to pull away, all but reeling. To run and hide and cry until her nose ran just as much as her makeup, red, stuffy blubbery silent because she was scared, and confused, and that's what she knew how to do.

That's all she knew how to do. Lapis didn't know this. Ask the girl to solve a radical, balance a chemical equation, find ‘X’- anything but this.

And what everyone had warned her about was happening but the most terrifying, shell-shocking thing to her was that she wanted it. She  _ wanted it and liked the idea. _

Perhaps just to spite them or to do something for herself; to be rebellious, a middle finger to everything sounded appealing.

And for being guilty of many things, one hundred too many trips to the bathroom heaving the nonexistent contents of her empty body up until it burned, paid others to beat up those rumored of the offending ‘whore’ ‘slut’ and ‘bitch’ and spit out several excuses as to why she wasn’t hungry when really the thought of turning her nose to any sort of food was enough to induce nausea- and for being guilty of all these, Lapis had never been guilty of putting herself first.

Until then, of course.


	3. And She Didn't Run Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they do the nasty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> eating disorder  
> ref self-harm  
> sexual content

And so she would

"I've... I don't know how- what to... do..? I- want to," Lapis was stuttering, a pathetic attempt to get the words out, while it was even unclear to herself what she was trying to get across. Hopefully it was something Peridot could comprehend, "- scared... you're going to have to, um, lead. I'm... scared- haven't really ever..."

 

Peridot listened with patience that would probably have been better spent listening to Lapis instruct her on how not to check out completely during class, fingers tracing lazy circles along the skin of her face as she peered into the blue eyes across from hers, giving off a look so much younger than Lapis herself was.

She nodded, she understood. Slow, the lanky blonde would go slow because overwhelming her was a good way to get them both hurt, and as she allowed the shaky words to soak in, she let her actions speak for her. Lips left gentle kisses on the corner of her mouth, trailed along her jawline until she was working at the sensitive flesh at the base of her neck, painstakingly careful at to not leave a mark because as much as Lapis irritated her, she didn't want to see this damaged little thing struggling to find words when asked about the discolored splotch and failing.

With a soft chuckle, she told her, "Just hit me or something if anything's bad."

Lapis, for the first time in quite a while (and she found herself thinking that a lot. Kudos to Peridot for being something of the first) was unsure of how to react, because her mind fought with her body like it often did, except this instance was something different. Because no matter how many times Lapis would chose to suffer physically for almost no benefit, her heart was ignored. Now, it raced and leapt up in her throat as surprisingly, and uncharacteristically soft and gentle kisses were placed upon her neck. Small pressure lingered at each until the whole expanse tingled and it was hard to focus on anything else.

Anything else except how Peridot spoke in a soothing tone, the ice and hatred it usually carried temporarily banished for both of their sake, between the kisses.

"'S not as scary as it seems, trust me. Not if you don't let it be."

The hand that had cupped her cheek so easily strayed. She was hesitant, a little wary of what the nervous girl would allow her to do. Rough fingertips traced the line of her collarbone, then wandered lower, ghosting over her frame before resting at the hem of her shirt as she waited for some sign she was allowed to let it disappear behind the fabric.

Oh god what had she gotten herself into.

But Lapis found herself nodding, "it's okay," hands claiming home to Peridot's waist as she solidly gripped the skin, eyes shut extremely tight because there was no way she could manage watching the display. Her face was scorching, along with the rest of her body, and Lapis nodded numbly along with Peridot's words. Knowing all too well it would be humiliating and silently praying that her companion wouldn't judge her for any of it. Would she? No, just another thing to worry about.

Legs threatening to give out underneath her, Lapis exhaled unsteadily, hoping the exertion wouldn't cause her to faint, as was very possible, and was known to happen, though in other situations. This was new. 

"You're okay. I know I'm small but 'm not going to break... not that fragile. I just… this is- guide me through it, okay?"

God, if the slacker knew the extent of that statement. 

 

Gentleness felt so foreign. This was Peridot, after all, who was all sharp edges and harsh words, a prickly exterior wrapped tight around an arguable hollow inside. Peridot, who despite lacking any of the bulk that was required to deliver blows of any strength at all would fight guys bigger than she was and win if they did anything to hurt her or the few friends she had. Peridot, who couldn't even be kind to herself let alone this girl she sort of despised and had the scars, white and camouflaged in with her porcelain skin, to show for it.

And here she was, slipping a hand up Lapis' shirt to rest against her bra and the only words that even came close to how she was treating her were "cautious" and yes, "gentle." Like handling a bird with broken wings, afraid to cause any more damage to those fragile avian bones. Whatever fabric lay under her shirt, it was soft and smooth and definitely not the cheap cotton that the blonde wore.

 

"Yeah, guiding is fine. I can guide." Speaking of which. Hands retreated, pulled away for a moment despite how badly either of them wanted them to stay, and wrapped themselves around Lapis'."Over here, this is easier. Standing is far from ideal just, uh, sit."

She led the other senior to her bed, and when she complied and planted herself on top of the mattress, Peridot was back to what she had been doing. Lips crashed together, one hand tangled in the less experienced girl's soft locks while the other returned to where it had been before, this time bypassing all of the padding and fabric of her bra to make contact with skin. Lapis was bigger than she was, in this regard at least. Tiny chests ran in her family, and she was no exception.

There was this inevitable that harbored in the back of the shorter girl’s mind though, swirling and growing like something evil and unwelcome, something she'd end up facing eventually whether she liked it or not, because time did not wait for anybody and Lapis was no exception, getting swept up in the current of confrontation. Clothes would have to come off (begrudgingly Lapis would allow, what sort of experience would this be otherwise?) and Peridot would see her.

 

And Peridot was not an idiot; Peridot would  _ see her. _

 

Would notice the way Lapis' rib and hip bones jutted out a bit more than they should have- a bit more than was healthy, really. Clung to her skin and made divots and valleys, hung there tightly as a result of her unconsented, accidentally adopted eating habits that would flicker and waver mostly off and hardly on for almost two years now. And there'd be no hiding the scars that decorated the junction where hips met waist because they clashed with her skin; and there would be no ignoring the fact that Lapis was... off.

Wrong. 

 

Each dreaded thought trickled in, bringing more and more, stacking up like bricks to form mental barriers that Lapis began to wonder how she would make it out of this alive or conscious. But that didn't matter, as they were suddenly sitting down and Peridot's hand was roaming freely with the permission she'd been granted. Pulling away for a breath, which was more vocalized than Lapis had intended for it to be, she pressed their lips together once more, working vigorously against each other in something messy and desperate, pleading. Her own hands coming up to slip behind Peridot's neck, and lock together there, in an attempt to tug her closer if that were possible. It was nice; really damn nice and she wasn't too proud to admit it. Kiss her lips, kiss her neck, gasp desperately for air.

All was well, all was good. Peridot was absolutely not losing her mind a little over the prospect of Lapis' arms looped around her neck, or the warmth of her skin in her palms or her sweet scent and she absolutely wasn't hyper aware of the fact that she had no hips and no chest and smelled like spent tobacco because her mother chain smoked in the house and no amount of washing could get the smell completely out of her skin and hair.

No, she was perfectly fine, like something out of a sappy B movie, everything was perfect and she wasn't terrified to see this girl, this variety swimmer and cheerleader who never fell off of the honor role and graced the presence of all she met, bare and writhing.

 

A second hand went under her top and she leaned back to keep out of the way as she guided her tutor's arms up to slip the garment over her head- and the tiny girl tensed for only a second because, despite the obsessive nature she’d adopted to guard her secret, panicked thinking and poor judgement decided that it’d be more humilifying to be known as the person who asked to keep their shirt on during sex.

 

And Peridot’s stomach dropped. 

 

Faltering, wide jade eyes scanned her figure and  _ understood _ , breathing a soft curse as she did just that.

It was happening now and all that would form in her head was  _ no and not yet I don't want her to know I don't want that _ but it happened and suddenly she was cold, cold to the bone just like she always was, and Peridot knew everything just from one glance. Perhaps it would be different, Lapis reasoned, but when Peridot gave her that look that... face softening, and pity- her heart shattered because Peridot was no different than anyone else.

Her skin was soft and perfect and clung so pitifully to her rib cage and clips seen and overlooked in senior high health rushed back. Dancers who could barely look at a meal, girls admitted to the hospital and stuck full of needles and tubes because a body abused like theirs were would reject nutrition introduced any other way. She hadn't progressed that far, no, but the resemblance was there, especially to someone so naturally pessimistic, and it stunned her. Stunned her because this girl who everybody saw as perfect and envied was growing less perfect and more like her by the minute, and she couldn't allow that to be off-putting because that would hurt her more than anything.

Drawing in a shaky breath, Peridot drew close again, dragging careful down her neck to rest on her sternum.

Turning her gaze upward to meet Lapis' eyes, she murmured, "Is this okay? Like, all of it? Stop me if anything isn't." That was becoming a mantra. Peridot was an ass, but she would sooner die than make somebody do something they weren't comfortable with in the bedroom.

Scoffing, unusually pale for someone in her situation, Lapis succeeded in controlling her anger which hadn't happened much that day.

"Don't give me that look Peridot. It makes me feel disgusting, okay?" And in her mind she knew, the counter statement which was cut off before it could be said, ‘what look’ and instead Lapis spoke again. "Like I'm broken, and weak because I'm not. It's- I'm really okay with this. I promise."

Fuck, the look in her eyes cut Peridot to the bone. Her hands shook. Terrified. That's what she was- they were. Lapis was terrified that Peridot hadn't run, though was convinced she would, as most she knew would have, because who wanted to associate with someone like that? She'd been able to handle herself for years this way and it worked, though it left Lapis hollow. Weaving through blonde locks, her hands trembled slightly, shoving it all down to deal with it when it came back up later. Because in that moment, she wanted this more than anything, icy voice slipping back to its usual, gentle tone, though she chose not to speak, and muscles no longer rigid, Lapis rocked her hips forward, shutting her eyes.

"N-no, Lapis-" She looked over her frame again, frail and small and her breath was caught in her throat and then she looked back to her face and let the girl's words slice through her because she deserved it, she deserved to be scolded for even faltering for a moment. What she did next surprised even her. The argumentative girl who used her fabricated ego as a shield didn't fight. Pressing her forehead against Lapis' once more, she wrapped warm arms around the other senior and murmured, "No, no, no, Lapis that isn't it I swear. You're gorgeous, like seriously fucking gorgeous. I just didn't know, I didn't think-" 

"Nobody knows. Nobody thinks." But the harsh words struggled to come out, sticking to the roof of her mouth and it was like a stab in the heart to say them because Peridot looked hurt. It was the distinct reflection in her eyes that told Lapis this yet she said it anyway.

 

Peridot didn't have any more words. Pulling a knee up onto the bed, she eased Lapis back, straddling her as she left trails of kisses along her lips, her chest. She kissed along the edge of her ribcage because she could, because she needed to show that she didn't mind. Well she did, but not like that. Eventually she'd see Peridot, see the faded marks and the needley lines that were healed just enough to form thin, pink lines and she would know it wasn't disgust or pity, it was a stunned understanding. Now, though, she needed to make it up to her.

Sighing though, because it was explicitly obvious that Peridot was sorry; hadn't meant it and Lapis quietly apologized, mumbling into the still air. "'M sorry..."

 

_ No, don't apologize you don't owe me that, you don't owe me shit. _

 

Though it was the kisses against her ribcage that brought tears to Lapis' eyes because it was the last thing she would have expected from anybody. From today- from Peridot. Whom she absolutely despised and the feelings were mutual, who she was too cowardly to help when her friends pushed and spat at, who a day ago wanted nothing to do with her- who was kissing the ugliest part of her and still calling her gorgeous why?

Inhaling meekly, Lapis spoke in a small voice as it was the only way to prevent cracking and quivering. "Are... are you trying to make me cry, or are you trying to make me horny?"

The blonde pulled her other leg up, on her hands and knees now as she hand walked her way back up so that her face was level with Lapis' and shifted her weight, wiping away bitter tears and giving a sad, crooked smile.

"Don't you dare cry, Lazuli. I'm a fuckin' wuss and if you cry I'm going to lose it and I'm not giving you that." Her tone was light and almost playful, the thin, wiry hands against Lapis’ face, wiping tears away was more comforting than either could have expected from someone so brash, and more relaxing than she cared to admit.

"Alright, alright..." But, crying wasn't what they were attempting to do, so Lapis willed the sadness away, instead focusing on the way Peridot moved her with ease, leaned back to free both hands, sliding them under the thin girl's rear and cooing, "Here, scoot up a little, I'll help." She didn't weigh much at all, and Peridot was stronger than she looked.

 

The honor student's legs dangled less then, and the blonde leaned in close and purred, "And I'm not entirely sure at this point. How about both?" While she spoke, she shifted her leg to slip it between both of Lapis', pressing a knee close to the seam of her pants.

 

Said knee pushed hard, but not painfully so, against her when the blonde went back to working over her companion's torso, still giving attention to the bits of her that poked out and could be considered ugly from an unfamiliar perspective while one hand slipped behind her back, undoing clasps she couldn't see effortlessly and tugging the garment away. Eyes fluttering shut, Peridot turned her attention to the newly exposed flesh, lip and teeth and tongue teasing with the intent of getting some sort of reaction that didn't break her heart like the last had.

Yet remained gentle. In how she carried herself and in how she removed another article of clothing and tossed it aside carelessly and naturally the small girl was cold. Always cold. But the knee in between her legs was enough to sway that, a wave of heat rocketing up her spine, and then a second time when Peridot's mouth was on her because holy hell.

 

And the words spoken, nearly purred only contributed to the growing warmth which Lapis was too embarrassed to acknowledge, shivering at the question. Peridot was going to be the death of her. Her own hands shyly hovered in the air, before coming to rest at her sides because Lapis did not trust herself to try anything; especially not when her hips began to grind down onto Peridot's knee involuntarily, a shaky sigh which was a borderline moan, and something her companion would likely tease her for.

"Y... you're certainly doing a good job at both." Shutting her eyes though, Lapis couldn't help but be a bit frustrated with the fact that Peridot didn't appear to be struggling with this at all; it left Lapis feeling helpless.

The slow rhythm of Lapis bringing her hips down against her knee made a grin spread across Peridot's face as she let out a soft groan against the swimmer's chest. Not bothering to look up, the blonde muttered, "That's it, just do what your body tells you. You're doin' awesome."

She could feel the growing warmth through her jeans, and she'd be a filthy liar if she denied that seeing the other girl sprawled before her had her very much turned on. Right now was about Lapis though. They had plenty of time to fool around, and with the kind of day that the arguably frail girl was having, she deserved to be spoiled. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the unsure little movements coming from her partner and sat up for a moment.

 

In one fluid movement, spindly fingers gripped the bottom of her shirt and tugged it off, taking her bra with it without unfastening it, simply slipping both over her head. Christ, she was self conscious about her pitiful bust for the first time since freshman year. Then, she was on Lapis again, planting a sweet kiss on her lips and taking her hand, guiding it to one of her own breasts and reassuring her, "Here. It's fine, you're fine. Do whatever you feel like doing." She shivered. This time was, technically, set aside for learning and Peridot would be damned if it wasn't, though she was positive that the old crab of a woman had something entirely different in mind when she paired the two up.

Free hand coming up to fist through Peridot's hair and hold her head in place for the time being, Lapis allowed herself to indulge in another kiss that was lengthy and relaxed (as she found out of everything happening, kisses from Peridot were admittedly her favorite.) Before she would do anything, Lapis felt a swell of an unknown feeling at the way Peridot was talking to her; guiding her just as had been requested.

"G... good to know.." Extremely grateful for the other's patience and understanding, Lapis decided to stop making Peridot do all the work, and to stop feeling guilty for being so hesitant.

Lithe fingers worked against the skin, thumbs grazing where they dared, she silently thanked herself for all prior activities that didn’t render her hands completely useless (flute, piano, and an assortment of other instruments, because music built character, and Lapis was an overachiever), as it allowed her to move nimbly and with ease. Silently thanked Peridot, too, for being disinterested in language arts class because that had indirectly gotten the both of them laid. Or was getting them there.

Hips continuing to twitch rhythmically against Peridot's knee, Lapis whimpered, things growing a tad hazy, but she forced herself to keep working diligently with her hands, determined not to be the only one making noises.

The blonde tipped her head back, the softest of groans skipping out between thin lips. For someone who'd probably never done this before, Lapis knew her stuff when prompted. Smiling into kisses despite herself, Peridot purred, "You're really, really cute, Lapis." She was probably told that a lot, by friends, family, and others. Before she risked sounding cheesy or like some sort of broken record, she smirked and added, "Y'know, even if you are sort of annoying." It was a playful jab at the worst, as it wasn't worth it hurling insults when they were both vulnerable like this.

Heart fluttering at the small sound that only egged her on further, Lapis couldn't help but chuckle at the playful jab. She knew that it was in the nicest of ways, even if it was true; they found each other annoying, at least, prior to this incident.

"You like flattering me too much... dork."

And even still, Lapis knew deep down despite trying to ignore it, that come tomorrow, they'd have to go back to being strangers. More so for Lapis' sake. It could ruin her. It was selfish. Horribly selfish and Lapis would understand if Peridot never wanted to see her again though she was fairly confident it was mutual understanding between the two. At least, in public this applied.

Peri grinned like some sort of little kid and chuckled, "Like you don't totally get off on compliments."

Peridot was proving to be right more often than not; Lapis was totally getting off on all the praises she was receiving from the other. Mostly because the ones spewed at her everyday were shallow and meaningless, groupies trying to suck up to her and Lapis was very aware- but Peridot was honest and sometimes blunt. Wouldn't lie to Lapis about something like that, since she had no intent to fuel her ego for self-centered purposes- she'd seen them in the hall, throngs of friends and acquaintances singing praises about her hair or outfits or gushing about how she'd done in the last meet. A lot of it was petty, but wasn't most of what she was saying too? Other than that one moment, at least. That was desperate and fearful and still all in truth; Lapis was beautiful and so out of Peridot's league despite the issues that she hid away, and even if Peridot was a guy she'd have to keep her eyes down and not smile at her from across the hall because of how different they were, even when it was made very clear that they weren't different at all.

 

In between the little calculated movements, Peridot's mind raced. Keep her busy, keep her eyes off of the shit you've done to yourself. Thin, parallel scars ran over both shoulders, down the gentle slope of each hip. It was worse where she was still covered. They were tough to see, because she was ghostly pale and they had long since faded, but the skin had healed raised and rough. Lips still pressed against the other girl's, the tomboy let her hand stray lower, fumbling with the fastenings on her partner's pants. When she managed to undo the button and zipper, she looked to Lapis for permission, silently asking if what she was doing was still okay.

 

The feeling of a hand fumbling with the fastens of her pants tugged Lapis back to reality and she seized up.

"Wait." 

She knew Peridot would; had no doubt really, and the slacker had insisted it wasn’t so frightening, but Lapis needed the moment to prepare herself for what was to come. Reminded herself it was okay. That Peridot would not judge her for the scars that littered her thighs (because according to the brief glance Lapis has gotten of Peridot's shoulders, she was not too different.) (unlike the taller girl, Lapis did not require glasses to see such detail and she chose not to mention it.) And when told to wait, Peridot froze completely, rigid and perfectly willing to. She understood the girl's apprehension, because she was experiencing the same feeling. Still, she wasn't when looking to pull away the fabric, not yet.

"Yeah. It's fine- you can... I'm okay with that."

 

With new permission, long fingers pressed against her, slipping under the fabric of her underwear (Peridot had worn boxer briefs under her own jeans because honestly, how was she supposed to know that something like this was going to happen?) to just rest there a moment while she breathed. Though Lapis faltered at the foreign weight that dipped below her waistband, briefly beginning to panic and wonder if she was actually prepared for this sort of thing.

"Try to relax, okay? I don't want to hurt you or anything and this doesn't feel completely awesome if you're all tense."

A deep kiss helped that along, and while Lapis was lost in it the butch blonde slipped a finger inside her and her breath hitched. She was very wet and so warm and velvet soft, and with a shaky sigh, she pressed close and murmured, "You're doing really well," before kissing her again.

 

As was only predicted- it hurt, but only briefly and a cringe flashed across her face, leaving as quickly as it had come, but mostly it had to be willed away. Not wanting Peridot to think she couldn't handle it. Though Lapis would be damned- the more experienced was not kidding when she said girls were more conscious of what was going on. The surprised, pained expression that flickered over the thin girl's features drove a stake through Peridot's heart for the second time within the hour, and without missing a beat she was spewing hushed apologies and kissing her all over, skipping from her lips to her forehead to her temples and back. She waited, frozen, for the shock to wear off from her partner's face and gave a soft, weary smile when it did, mouthing 'sorry' once more. She did so much better than the blonde had, almost shuddering at the thought of her younger self choking back sobs because she was so damn overwhelmed, then blocked the thought from her mind because there were more pressing matters to attend to.

"I- I'm doing my best." Lapis adjusted though, after some coaxing and another kiss, it didn't hurt, and simply became an odd heaviness. "And it's... it's okay... I'm okay. You're okay, you don't have to apologize," Lapis mumbled quietly into the air, nuzzling against Peridot as she was showered in affection kisses and overwhelmed with words of regret. The pain was expected: this situation was not, but like the pain it was something Lapis could easily endure, but was still very thankful for Peridot's outwardly expressed remorse. Not to mention the gentleness and concern that Lapis would never have expected from such a girl. Though, today was a very informative day, and they both were discovering things that could have easily been left unspoken for the rest of their lives. But weren't.

 

"Lemme know if anything else hurts, okay? I trimmed my nails so those shouldn't be an issue, but every now and then something just won't feel right."

 

With the girl's go ahead, the blonde moved her hand, painstakingly slowly at first with jade eyes trained on her face to detect any signs of pain. When they didn't come, she turned her attention back to the athlete's neck and collarbones, dragging teeth and lips along soft skin as she used deft fingers to push up on and rub a specific, sensitive area up inside the pretty girl trying to get a rise out of her, something other than the split second of shock and discomfort. Hell, she'd take boredom over that.

 

Forcing herself to maintain eye contact, at least until her partner turned her attention toward Lapis' throat, the small girl took a very confused breath at the new sensation. Not... totally new but, it might as well have been. Lapis wrapped and locked her hands together behind Peridot's neck, and the thin arms looped around her were so, so welcome and comforting and she couldn't get enough of this gorgeous girl's hands on her body. She was elated that Lapis was okay and far from anything that even resembled pain, judging by the way she was moving and the soft, desperate sounds she emitted against her own will.

Lapis seized. Though this time, it was due to the strong spark of pleasure originating inside of her, rocketing up her spine. Back arching just a bit, Lapis bit down on the inside of her cheek in a pathetic attempt to muffle what would become a strangled moan, practically falling from her lips, then which she immediately retracted a hand and clamped it over her mouth. 

And that was mortifying.

Peridot froze for a second, only processing that it had been noise, before understanding and giggling softly as the embarrassed girl covered her own mouth.

Grinning wildly, she gushed, "Oh my god, Lazuli, you are too damn precious."

 

Having frozen, she hadn't moved from the exact spot that made the sweet girl writhe and cry out, and she would be crazy to not exploit that and drive her partner up the wall, so to speak. Pressing lightly and tracing slow, deliberate circles with a fingertip, she kissed her hard and nipped gently at her bottom lip, cooing little encouragements every time she pulled away for air. Lord, if that posse of friends could see her now, disheveled and squirming under the class pariah and loving every minute of it; christ, Peridot was relentless; the small comments and praises she murmured in between kisses, (hand that had been muffling sounds pushed aside and forgotten), only added to the flush that spread across Lapis' cheeks.

"Shut up-" Of course Peridot could find something humiliating and make it out to be endearing, only mentioning it further and trying to draw the noises out some more. However, despite the exasperation Lapis felt for the entirety of their situation, she couldn't help but be comforted by the constant heat which hovered over her and kept her secure. Because who enjoyed feeling vulnerable when that meant the part she criticized herself most for was exposed? Like she'd finally found something to... to maybe change things for better instead of allowing it to progress worse and worse until she was left with nothing. Something that she could only have in secret.

 

Lapis' breathing picked up, as though it hadn't already been strained, coming out uneven and labored because Peridot wouldn't stop testing that one spot and it was driving Lapis absolutely insane. The repeated action caused obscenities to tumble from her mouth, hushed and muffled against Peridot's lips, and Lapis found that it was much harder to vocalize or articulate actual words, coherent syllables. Though those that did make it out were mostly swears and an abundance of Peridot's own name.

The constant stream of curses and strained little noises of pleasure, pouring out of the last mouth one would think they would come from, were music to Peridot's ears, encouraging her to work at the sweet spot she'd discovered until the girl she found herself adoring and loathing in equal parts was reduced to a quivering puddle. She pressed close, the weight of her chest pushing up against Lapis' as she nibbled on the girl's earlobe and purred quiet compliments and the like, knowing full well that those were half the reason the smaller girl was so worked up in the first place. Those, and the index finger toying with her g-spot like she owned it.

 

A thought crossed her mind then, and it included giving the writhing mess of the girl a very short break. Hand going still, the blonde looked at the other with a dark, plotting smile and murmured, "D'you want me to use my mouth? I've been told I'm good with it, and christ you haven't lived until a girl's gone down on you. It's your call." She bit her lip playfully, looking down at the senior that everyone seemed to worship in one way or another.

As though the solid weight and tortuously slow teasing of her g-spot wasn't enough. God, Lapis didn't even know how she was able to comprehend Peridot's words; everything seemed so vivid yet so fuzzy because all she could focus on was the delicious warmth in her gut and the way that Peridot praised her so unconditionally, so honestly, Lapis wanted to kiss and cling to the girl, never having to let go. Because in that moment, she belonged to Peridot; was absolutely devoted to her, practically worshiping every movement she made, rewarding her with needy pants and moans that she was just eating up. But then it stopped, leaving Lapis shaky and desperate, whining before realizing that Peridot had asked her a question.

 

Asked her in that husky, sultry voice, question so vulgar Lapis couldn't fathom how she'd said it with a straight face, not stuttering. Peridot was offering to- wow. Lapis couldn't even think it or else she'd turn bright red, by then it was too late. Not only the implications, but the way Peridot had phrased it, sent a wave of heat down to the place that desperately needed attention.

"G- god… yeah. Please-”

Nodding pathetically, eyes still shut, Lapis removed her hands from behind Peridot's back, choosing to rest them at her sides, cross them self-consciously over her chest, then back at her sides, having a hard time with managing her anticipation.

Drawing her hand away, Peridot glanced at the bedding around them. Expensive, or at least it looked like it. Her jeans, on the other hand, were cheap and old and she really didn't care for them, so that was where her now slick fingers were wiped off because she was fairly certain that Lapis would scream of something if she happened to brush against her with digits coated in some of her. Most first-timers were a little weird about that; Peridot had learned not to care. Taking her by the hands again, she instructed, "Here, sit up and scoot to the edge, I'm gonna go on the floor." For a moment, when she dismounted from the bed, she stood over her. Tiny, frail, outwardly perfect Lapis Lazuli with her slightly jutting ribs and pitifully red blush, was still beautiful despite all of this and the blonde sort of hated her a little for it. But bad feelings could wait, because right now her head was too far in the clouds to care.

Allowing herself to be maneuvered, Lapis listened carefully with trembling hands she silently prayed the other would fail to notice. Both the idea of the experience and the possibility of her body giving out, as was known to happen under an excess of physical stress, were terrifying notions. But Peridot was smart. Lapis trusted her. Her beautiful green eyes and the voice she'd never once paid attention to but now, if given the choice, would want to hear every day for the rest of her life. Why did this have to be so damn difficult?

 

The ever cold, hardened expression was soft and understanding again then while she murmured that she didn't have to be nervous about removing more clothing as her fingers wrapped around the girl's waistband, wasting no time and taking panties and jeans in one go. The guilt of what Lapis had been struggling with for years was finally able to make itself known if even only for a second, bubbling up and stinging her eyes and making her want to cry, because Peridot's stare, although not judgmental, was making Lapis feel small. And not in the good way. Like small and insignificant and despite the fact that the world could have easily been convinced to revolve around the athlete every other day, that wouldn't have mattered. Now only Peridot did and Lapis had somehow let her down without intending to. It wouldn't change how she was though; nothing worked like that. Years worth of a habit could not be broken in an instant so minuscule. 

Peridot saw the scars and said nothing, despite the knot in her stomach and how much seeing legs that looked so much like her own on somebody else made her want to cry, but she shoved the feelings back somewhere to be dealt with later and planted a sweet kiss on the poor girl's lips.

"This is gonna feel really weird if you haven't done it before, okay? But it's nice, it's really, really nice. Oh, and if you have to or want to, laying down is fine."

Soft, careful lips brushed her sternum, left kisses in clusters along her flat stomach, teased her thighs, running over thin, faded scars like they were hardly there. Figuring that she'd made the other senior wait long enough, she took a soft breath and spread soft folds with she tongue, jade eyes pointed expectantly up at Lapis' face, looking for some indication of if she was doing alright.

 

Eyes fluttering open to remain in that state, gaze locked on Peridot, Lapis found herself unable to look away. Exposed fully, faced with parts of herself seen more than enough, surprisingly intimate- of all people. Peridot. Not her first, but the first to care.

She heeded the warning mindfully, toes curling at the kisses peppered here and there, Lapis inhaled sharply at the new sensation that overcame her. Strange, definitely. Though not going to push away from something she wasn't familiar with. But what really got Lapis flustered was the way Peridot was looking up at her, in turn the small girl bit her lip and poured a flush, nodding as her hands tangled in the choppy blonde hair, to confirm that all was well.

"S’ fine..”

The nod was all it took for her to know it was okay to proceed. Pale eyes fluttered shut as she uttered the softest of groans against the girl's skin. The tomboy was nervous that her companion wouldn't like how what she was doing felt, or would like it but become overwhelmed. That was Peridot, always anxious and the master of overthinking even then something completely perfect was placed before her for the taking. She went slow, painstakingly slow because Lapis had been through too much and she was seriously doubting herself despite the confidence she had rushed into this with. Still, she refused to let any of that get in the way now.

At first, the one explicit sensation wasn't exactly anything other than an unfamiliar feeling, however the entire situation left Lapis with a sugary smile, and a warmth that comforted even the heart that struggled to beat. Because there was Peridot; who had every reason to despise her and wish the worst upon Lapis. All the times of disregard or cowardice on the smaller's behalf. All the times she'd let Peridot get shoved into the lockers, books ripped from her hands, and the rare occasion of being beaten or discriminated against for something Lapis was guilty of all the same. And there Peridot was, holding her with a tender lack of malice, speaking to her as though nothing could be more important. And that gave reason for her heart to beat a little faster.

With fingers fanned across the thin girl's lower back as she worked with her tongue, stroking and prodding at the wildly sensitive bundle of nerves. Any little vocalization she heard had the taller of the two squirming in place. The honor student had barely touched her, but simply eliciting such reactions had the blonde just about ready to soak through her jeans or scream or both.

Then it no longer was just a feeling, it was a pleasant one. Small jolts of energy, pinpricks of a hot something that made Lapis' eyes shut and her mouth fall open. She could feel Peridot's hesitation in the way things were so slow, in the nurturing hold on her back, tongue working meticulously against her and Lapis was thankful, despite not being able to vocalize it. As she hunched over the other slightly, emitting little whimpers and whines, and babbled an endless stream of praises to the girl below her.

Peridot's fingers formed claws against the other's back, nails trimmed too carefully to cause any pain. She bobbed her head just slightly, her tongue wide and flattened to cover all the area she could at first, feeling and tasting and not caring enough to keep the tiny, desperate moans from tumbling out of her mouth. Lapis didn't taste bad, but she didn't taste right either. The blonde could tell a person what worked for and against a good time without even thinking. Caffeine and a lot of red meat made a person bitter, fruits and plenty of water made them almost sweet. Lapis just tasted vague and malnourished.

Thinking the attention she was receiving was a little over the top, and suddenly not caring when another round of heat wracked her body, Lapis breathed out a guttural sigh, relishing in the small moans being murmured by the other girl. And though she'd been trying not to think about it, the worry only wormed its way back when the feelings hit a plateau and she was able to get used to the undeniable pleasure, Lapis couldn't help but begin to stress over what would happen when she... finished. Awkward and embarrassing were two things Lapis had never gotten accustomed to, though she doubted Peridot would allow a perpetual silence. And in her mind, failure to deliver wasn’t an option.

 

Shit, air. Air was important and for a moment Peridot had forgotten she needed it. Reeling, she tipped her head back and gulped down lungfuls of the stuff before flashing teeth in a wicked smile up at the tiny girl, her lips and tongue slick and shiny. And from that grin, the honor student was pulled from hazy thoughts as the ministrations came to a halt, looking down sheepishly at Peridot's wild grin, her hands about to pull away only to have her grip involuntarily tighten and Peridot resumed; her head was dipped down again, this time at an angle and one of the hands splayed across the smooth skin of Lapis' lower back was just below her mouth, once again sliding one digit into the swimmer to hit the same sweet spot she'd found earlier while she traced nonsense symbols against her clit with her tongue. All of her concerns had been pushed away, the only one remaining being her hopes that the smaller girl wouldn't be sore the next day.

 

It was hotter and brighter and there was something touching that nerve again, everything pressing against her so absolutely right- "H- oh my g..."   
Lapis sucked in a lungful of air, to the choke out a broken moan and look down to Peridot through tears which were forming out of sheer intensity.  
"H... holy fuck Peridot- pl- I... oh my god-" A few more swears accompanied that, under her breath and some partially due to the fact that she’d let herself get so wrapped up in her thoughts, she’d failed to control her words or the heat that was growing in her gut.

The willowy blonde, perched on bony knees in front of this squirming, mewling cheerleader, was absolutely relentless. Her face burned and her bare skin prickled with goosebumps, the fine, pale hair of her arms standing on end. Lapis was pleading and the sound was so far away because of the sharp focus. She couldn't pay attention in class worth a damn, but zeroed in like a laser now because the smaller girl was getting so close and she desperately wanted to push her over the edge, to hear her cry out as her back arched and in that very moment couldn't care less about what happened after.

No more nerves, no more apprehension. Because she knew that her companion could take it painlessly, another finger slipped in, joining the other to press and rub and make her whimper with need. Every time she gasped for air, she took hand a second to purr a soft encouragement. Cooing that she could let go, because those frantic, strangled moans meant she was so desperately close and release felt astounding.

It was more of a mental barrier that kept her there, squirming in a desperate agony just so close, yet her some part of Lapis’ mind was unwilling to let go, despite her body screaming for release. She lingered there for a time which felt much too long and drawn out, gasping and cursing heavily as each action pushed her further and further, a few tears spilling over and down her cheeks. Perhaps she really did not want this to end. The torture was excruciating, hips twitching because Lapis merely could not compensate for the overstimulation. Though the breathy, yet constant reassurance from Peridot was ultimately the tiny girl's demise, for that told her it was okay, when she herself couldn't. Only barely able to stutter out a warning.

Body practically spasming, Lapis came white hot pathetically in Peridot's hold, out with a broken cry of the slacker's name that there would have been no restraining even if she tried. Convulsing, she doubled over, whispering hushed phrases that had no real meaning, allowing the stars to once more blot her vision and her heartbeat to skyrocket. It went without saying that Peridot had achieved her goal of absolutely wrecking the girl, grinning madly against soft, hot skin as the girl was wracked with shakes and crying out, strong muscles clamping in spasms around her fingers and Peridot pulled her head back, because twitching hips could very well mean that charged, sensitive flesh could hit teeth and then nobody would be happy, and on top of that, the blonde would probably end up getting kicked in the head out of pure shock and reflex. She couldn't complain, the vantage point she had was one of the best to watch Lapis ride out the sensations, and hearing her name sputtered sparked a new wave of warmth that started deep in her core and dispersed to her fingertips. The muscles that twitched eventually went slack, coming down from the high that remained in the form of a dizzy stupor, Lapis laid back on the mattress, more gracefully than should have been reasonable, not even bothering to attempt forming a coherent sentence. The embarrassment was there and the first thing she thought was  _ oh my god _ almost mortified for what Peridot would do or say.

It was over, with a sigh and a creak of mattress springs.

Gingerly, she withdrew her fingers, making sure Lapis could see when she gave small smirk, opting to clean them with her mouth in a manner that may have been a little more sultry than the tiny cheerleader expected and completely and totally intentional.

Climbing up beside her so that their bare skin just barely touched and sent little electric currents through them both, the taller girl praised her in the way that Peridot could, taking a genuine statement and making it sound condescending and full to the brim with adoration all at once. 

"Look at you go, Lazuli. I hardly thought you had it in you." When she left a single, sweet kiss on her cheek, she forgot that she still wore the product of her tutor's arousal on her face and immediately flushed, cursing under her breath and apologizing.

It wasn't as bad as she expected it to be. Not too awkward or tense, in fact far from that. Though Peridot's mumbled apology and hushed curses were not something Lapis wanted to hear, not only because it made her feel guilty, but because Peridot didn't have to apologize for such a thing. Plus, even the slightest sounds were contributing to a headache which was bound to form. Still not particularly wanting to attempt to form words, Lapis silenced the other by merely lifting a hand, gripping the much so disheveled blonde hair, tugging Peridot's face close once again, and pressing a kiss to her lips without much thought. Lapis didn't care- she didn't. Not when Peridot was right there, comfortably close and covered in her ... Perhaps at another time it would have bothered her. Not then. A second apology hung on the blonde's lips, but died silently when Lapis made a pointed effort to shut her up. She didn't mind. How could she? The fluttering feeling in her stomach was reward enough, and everything else, every touch and smile and anything else was just a bonus. 

After the drawn out kiss, which she made long enough to get her point across, Lapis released her grip and curled up over herself, nuzzling against the other for some source of warmth. When the smaller girl made it clear that she was looking to find some heat, Peridot wrapped her up in long, skinny arms because she was practically a space heater at that point and she had more clothes on, so it was only fair. Everything had to be fair, because for so long nothing had been for her and it was devastatingly clear that it still wasn't for Lapis, or she wouldn't be this frail little thing with a forced smile for everyone and no real ones left for herself..

"I dunno how I did that,” the swimmer admitted, face buried into the crook of Peridot's neck and then shyly placing kisses there too, because despite her exhaustion, Lapis knew Peridot probably craved attention. One the swimmer was not qualified to give but...

"Christ Peridot." Scolding, but not with anger, her eyes remained shut. "You... damn."

Chuckling softly, the bigger of the two joked, "I'll draw you up a diagram some time, if it'll help," before kissing her temple and- was Lapis initiating something? Lips on her neck made her breath hitch; she'd always been particularly sensitive around the area in question and honestly the girl was just so easy in general. Her failure to find the right words for what had just happened had quiet, sweet peals of laughter pouring of of Peridot's throat and none of it was mean spirited like it probably would have been in any other situation ever. Without much conscious thought, she ran her fingertips along the smaller girl's exposed skin, rushing over ribs and scars and tracing every little imperfection like a simple, stupid touch could heal.

Shivering though relaxed into the arm that was a space heater, Lapis bit her lip as the hand began tracing her ribs and to distract herself, tried to conjure up something to say.

"Always so damn sarcastic..."

The smile on Peridot's face was easily heard in the way she spoke, and there was something that made Lapis want more of it. She attempted to press herself closer, if that were even possible and just a tad flustered at the fact that they were both a form of exposed, nudging Peridot's head to the side with her own and laying open mouthed kisses against the expanse of her neck. Surely those would successfully grab her attention.

"I'm- are you okay? Like, are you going to take care of yourself or..." Murmuring words against the clammy skin, Lapis was almost positive the other girl knew what she was getting at. Cruel to leave yourself needy and bothered, just for the sake of someone else; being the perfect person she was, Lapis wouldn't stand for that, despite not being experienced in the particular field, there was almost no way Peridot could say she didn't want to get off. Or at least, Lapis wouldn't believe her. The laughter so lighthearted, it drew Lapis from her work and a cozy grin slipped onto her face from the sound, taking the moment to lie limply against the other girl. How incredibly pleasant that dorky laugh was, and how incredibly unfair the world could be.

A soft, contented noise rose from Peridot's chest as she tipped her head back and to the side, giving Lapis free reign for wherever she wanted to put those soft, perfect lips. Radiating heat, she shifted to allow the other to press even closer and leech off of her warmth because in that moment Lapis could have anything she wanted and more. The hand that had traced along her body now traveled north, weaving fingers into silky hair, stroking and combing just to have something to do that meant having contact with the small girl.

Kissing her forehead, the blonde smirked.

"That depends," she began. Her tone was almost back to normal, calculated and teasing but with a stark lack of the poison and ice it carried. "The agreement was that we'd meet here so that education could take place."


	4. What Does This Make Of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for selfharm  
> tw for eating disorders  
> and for sex  
> but that last one is probably why you're here, huh?
> 
> no for real tho omg im sorry this took so long it started off as 7k words of pure smut and it took a while to build up the motivation to edit it

"It's all up to you, of course."

At the very least, it would be a learning experience, slow and clumsy and hesitant, but it came so naturally once a rhythm was established. It would be easy enough to finish herself off, but it would be near impossible with Lapis there. She would be too embarrassed, and something in the back of her mind nagged to draw out her time here, because as soon as the door to Lapis' room was opened again they would be back to being strangers again and she didn't want that no matter how much they both depended on it to stay afloat until senior year ended.

The tiny senior though found herself with the stubborn habit of refusing to do anything she knew she would get wrong, and only being satisfied with flawless accuracy on the first try; sure, Lapis enjoyed the nature of a challenge, but this was not that, no, this was sex, with a living, breathing person. She hummed in thought against the flesh of Peridot's neck, teeth cresting the skin but not daring to bite down because as fun as that would be, it wasn't worth the consequences.

"Yeah. Me educating you, not the other way around..."

"Bah, she didn't say I couldn't do any teaching of my own."

Lapis’ hand found its way to rest on the hip Peridot didn't have, working up the nerve to agree before her body was wracked by another shiver due to the cold, despite the warmth Peridot gave off.  
"Hold on." Grumbling dejectedly, Lapis pulled away, retreating from the grip, before shakily standing off the bed.

Peridot sat up when she left, wide jade eyes tracking every movement taking place as half a moment of anxiety struck her. It was part of who she was, she over thought everything and concluded that the worst outcome was certain to be the one that would happen. In this case, Lapis getting dressed, telling her to get back and stay away from her. Telling everyone she'd come onto her, denying everything else. Like she needed more issues.

Steps unsteady, the delicate girl made her way over to her closet, rifling through until she came across a shirt, which when slipped over her head, fell easily to mid thigh. Not as chilly, Lapis half stumbled back over to the bed and laid down once again, nimble fingers eagerly tangling in choppy blonde locks again. When the petite senior turned back to return to her, tense muscles relaxed and Peridot breathed a sigh of relief. With a slight shift in the mattress, Lapis was next to her and she was so cute with her shirt that was too long for her and her messy hair.

It was then that a hesitant sort of dread washed over Lapis, whose skill set involved dexterity; definitely. Stamina, not quite. A pathetic combination for such a task. Besides, they’d go back to being mortal enemies in a few hours- should she really be doing this? Everything shouted a guaranteed recipe for disaster, though the athlete was a tad too courteous to leave her house guest high and dry.

"I want to help, though I can assure you that... 'm not going to be too great at any of it."

The tomboy kissed her softly, because between her big eyes and her soft lips and every single noise she'd made in the past hour or so, Peridot couldn't get enough of the tiny girl with her hands woven into her pale locks. She offered only a small shrug.

"If it's your first time, and I'm assuming it is, there's no reason you should be, yeah? It'd be all about getting a feel for it. And it's not like I'm gonna leave you in the dark."

"First time with somebody other than myself" she admitted, though it came out as bashful mutterings, as she averted her eyes.

Dot flashed a crooked, reassuring smile and cupped her face in her hands, kissing the other senior's forehead and cooing, "Take a break from being perfect, 'cause I'm in no position to pass judgement and nobody else even knows."

Muscles relaxing as Peridot kissed her and offered reassurance, Lapis' toes curled against the white comforter, and blinking hazily, she, in some part of the back of her mind, wondered what time it could be. Pressing their lips together again, because answering questions took energy and that could wait, Lapis reluctantly pulled away, keeping their foreheads together.

But she was hesitant to proceed.

Lapis swung a leg over and hooked it around Peridot's waist, and in one unfairly graceful, fluid motion, brought herself up and the smaller girl was sitting on- more so straddling- the slacker’s lap then, light and soft despite her rough edges, and Peridot grinned and rested her hands on her companion's thighs. Mindful of scars, mindful of jutting hipbones, she just let them rest idle as she spoke in soft, excited purrs.

"The nice thing about being with a girl is that nothing is foreign." She kissed the girl's jaw quickly, then continued, "You know what feels good on you, yeah? There's always going to be a little bit of a difference, but generally what works on you will work for your partner."

It had taken the blonde a while to learn exactly what worked best on herself and on others, but she was always a quick learner and it showed whenever she decided to get better acquainted with a girl she fancied. And said girl urged Peridot closer as well, until they were chest to chest, and Lapis was wrapping her arms behind Peridot's neck, leaning in to kiss her again.

As she pulled back though, there was a glossy sort of guilt in her eyes, and the words that she’d been harboring for most of their exchange toppled out of Lapis’ mouth before she could stop them.

"I'm still waiting for the lecture," her eyes cast downward, fighting the shame that crept up the back of her neck.. "You gonna tell me to… to stop the-  Cause I think you could still pass judgment on me. But yeah."

Because once this was over... would that be it? Peridot meant nothing to her, and she meant nothing to Peridot. Would the taller senior find herself lingering? Or would there simply be a beat of silence where the smaller girl would panic and tell her to leave? She wasn't ready to know. "I want you to teach me, and I'm gonna trust you. I do trust you."

The smile that had grown from the giddy explanation fell from her face and arms were flung around the petite girl because she'd struck a nerve in Peridot that she didn't know existed.

"No, Lapis, hush. I won't judge, not any of that, not how you do with this- nothing. I mean, yes it's optimal that you treat yourself with more kindness but fuck, that's not something that just happens to a person?" She felt like she was scolding, was she really scolding the girl? It was hard to tell, because the lanky girl saw too much of herself in Lapis at that moment and she'd hated and abused herself on and off for years with no success of quitting and she'd been told to just cheer up too many times to even hear about it.

Lapis would have to take her word for it. Because the way Peridot spoke was so passionate and detailed because she obviously knew what she was talking about, and that only hurt Lapis a little, for a silly reason of simply having forgotten that Peridot had a life. Outside of who she was at school, and outside of what others said about her. Some part of Lapis wished to be that brave, but to also have known Peridot, because she felt awfully empty after knowing the specifics on everybody else's life. But not this girl. Not the one whose lap she was sitting in.

She looked down, flustered and embarrassed and ashamed, to regain her composure before murmuring, "But no more of that right now."

Lapis was displaced- Lapis allowed herself to be displaced- for a moment so the blonde could shimmy out of jeans that hugged the figure she didn't have. She wore charcoal boxer briefs (which the girl with faded blue hair had barely concealed a giggle at, though in her defense they were a very _Peridot_ thing to wear); not her first choice for an intimate experience, but they would have to do because the meeting, even with its initial intent, had been on the fly and she didn't expect to be taking her pants off in front of anyone, especially the ever cherished Lapis Lazuli, who would look a little horrified if Peridot even walked a little too close to her in the hallways. With another moment of maneuvering, she was under the girl again and leading her hands back to her own chest and kissing her softly.

Before proceeding with instruction, or any more fond touches of any sort, Peridot's tone dropped and became thick and sad and more scared than Lapis had probably ever heard it before as she shakily breathed, "You just- please don't mind anything around here."  
One spindly hand made a sweeping motion over her hips and thighs, where the damage was worse and the skin was white with more scars and burns than she could count, because some nights all she could do was bleed until she was too faint to think anymore and busy herself with cleaning and applying bandages. At this point in her life, scars ran over others of their kind because one could only hide so much of their body when they had gym class and even then she wore long basketball shorts to keep anybody that happened to care from worrying.  
"I know I need to quit, too. I don't need to be told that. I don't need anything." She shook her head, cheeks burning with shame because she didn't like it when people saw past the tough exterior that could pull herself up off the floor and slug the douche who's tripped her.

Hearing Peridot's voice drop that way, sad and low, sent an odd pain through Lapis' heart, nearly shattering it because the way the girl spoke was nothing of the outcast rebel she had come to know. Peridot was tough and icy and mean, and beat the shit out of her groupies when provoked. But she listened, because the athlete had come to know, and perfect the art of wearing pants in the summer, spotless waterproof concealer, and just about any trick in the book to mask the marks of her own, which certainly weren't quite as bad. And that did not help to diminish her concern.

But now was not really the time for any that, especially seeing the sadness start to cloud over Lapis’ features, so Peridot put on a still face again and asked; "What do you want to know?"

Lapis took it upon herself to think, faced with a question she never thought she would be, at least not in this context, pursing her lips, and settling for a response which absolutely required her voice to drop to that low, impish tone she used when she wanted to get her way.

"I wanna know what makes you feel good, n’ what’ll have my name stuck in your head for at least a week. Sound good?"

The soft whisper was enough to pull Peri away from the hole of self pity she'd dug for herself and back to the moment with a shiver. She braced the both of them and slowly, carefully tipped backwards so that Lapis was closer, closer to actually being on top of her, and chuckled, "I'm a lousy teacher but that, I can definitely do."

Fingers wrapped around the girl's hand, so much smaller than her own, and guided it down, past the thick elastic band of her underwear and breathed, "Okay, y'know what I did to you earlier? You have to search a little bit, but you'll know when because- well, you'll know." The blonde wasn't very quiet when it came to when something felt good. "And you do this sort of 'come here' motion." She replicated it with her free hand, then stretched up to kiss the swimmer. "Two fingers tends to work best, but one is cool too. Whichever works. Think you'd be okay with that?"

Lapis nodded along dumbly, attempting to control her shaking because that would not make things any easier _or pleasurable_ for her companion. Her other hand laid flat, braced stiffly against the mattress and she sighed, bending down halfway to meet Peridot's kiss. Ingraining the instructions and advice into her head, Lapis repeated them back before coaxing herself to calm, then smile timidly.  
"Yeah, I... I can manage that." Still in the other's hold, Lapis flexed her fingers, resting lightly against the skin as she steeled herself to pursue lower, brushing gently against the folds and mostly waiting on verbal cues from Peridot.

In the back of her mind, the slacker found herself thinking about how silly the two must have looked, with tiny Lapis in her too-big shirt on top of the blonde who was at the very least half a foot taller, flushed a deep pink, and wearing her stupid men's underwear. A gentle hand cradled the smaller girl's cheek and the slacker cooed, "Knew you could." She'd doubted her willingness for a moment, but never her ability because from what she'd seen, everything was a sort of contest for the poor girl and if she wasn't at least sufficient at everything she lost, in her mind at least. Her fingers moved to lace into the swimmer's hair.

The other hand, still wrapped around Lapis', guided her for a moment more, helping her find exactly where she needed to be before sucking in air in a long, quiet gasp. "R-right here," she breathed. Her grip on the other's hair tightened to bring her down to the lanky girl's level and kiss her hard as she guided the hand between her legs so that the less experienced of the two could get a feel for how to move. After uttering a soft whimper, Peridot shivered and asked, "Have you got the hang of it, d'you think?"

While fear of doing something incorrectly might have stopped her, as it was doing well to build up anxiety inside of her system, Lapis found the sounds Peridot made were very pleasing to hear; there was nothing Lapis wouldn't do to hear them again. Mumbling out a "yeah," her hand went slow, almost at a crawl, to get familiar with the expanse ( it was one finger, and then another, because that's what Peridot had said worked best.) The painstakingly drawn out pace that Lapis moved at had the blonde beneath her biting her lip and letting out a weak, breathy whine. One hand remained tangled up in a fistful of her hair, her grip far from anything that could cause legitimate pain, and the other one hovering near where it had been should a correction need to be made. The smaller senior was still learning, after all, and it was easiest to explain away anything less than pleasant than let her go on thinking she was doing a great job. For the time being, however, she was doing just as well as she typically did at everything she did.  
Tipping her head back, she cursed softly and muttered little, monosyllabic encouragements because they were all she could manage while Lapis mimicked the beckoning gestures, (thanking god her nails were trimmed, because they got in the way of playing instruments, and did not feel pleasant went jammed down her throat.  
“You're kinda cute," Lapis praised, nudging Peridot's chin to the side and laying a kiss against her throat. "Y'know that? Even if you’re kind of an asshole."

With a strained chuckle, the lighter haired girl breathed, "Shut up, I'm not cute." She drew in a shaky breath, her hips twitching forward into Lapis' touch just so. Taking note that nobody else was home, she allowed herself to make noise, to moan weakly, before adding, "That's you." She tipped her head back to allow better access to her throat, struggling to speak with all that was running through her head, but finally choking out, "You can leave marks anywhere a t-shirt will cover, if you feel like it." Her words were punctuated with sharp gasps and whines, but were coherent enough to get her point across all the same.

The tiny girl continued to draw out her movements, at a pace which was probably slower than acceptable, but was pleasantly surprised to hear Peridot's little moans and whimpers, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to hear a few more. Everything was gentle and warm, a nearly serene atmosphere despite the sounds from the needy girl below her, Lapis still pressed herself into the junction of Peridot neck and laid encouraging kisses.  
"You are cute- don’t argue with me," she insisted, though yes, did suck up the compliment to herself. "I will have you believing that before we are done here. I swear. And I think it's especially cute when you make those noises."

Fingers curling up just a tad more, hardly detectable though because Lapis refused to take a risk (at the other's expense) that could result in a serious error, she concluded that Peridot had suffered long enough, and began to increase the speed of her movements as well.

Lapis brought herself forward, careful not to jerk her arm, and began peppering kisses along Peridot's neck, collarbone, and chest, to wherever she could reach, though nothing more, nothing that would bruise.

Even behind all of the physical and mental stimulation clouding her mind, Peridot was certain that she was not cute. Not in the slightest. Lapis was, petite and well mannered with the sweetest voice.

 

She was far from that.

 

She was all too-long limbs and sour attitude and fabricated ego, and none of that was something the average person would consider cute. With a smile on her face the whole time, the blonde vehemently denied her smaller partner's claims.  
“Nah," she breathed, "I'm a disaster." She let out a rough laugh that was almost immediately taken over by little whining moans as the girl on top of her picked up the pace, making her back arch just enough to lift a few centimeters off of the mattress when she did so, causing Lapis to let out a quiet chuckle. Those sounds went straight to her head, and then to another place which made her face heat up

Her breathing was shaky and ragged as the lanky girl clung to Lapis, uttering chains of curses because that seemed to be her default when she couldn't think straight enough to say or do anything else. If Lapis wanted noise, she was getting her wish when she directed the attention of her soft lips to Peridot's neck and chest, earning herself a series of needy, mewling whines from the girl under her. She shifted her hips in time with the petite swimmer's hands, biting her lip to hold back any noise that was a little too loud, whether they were alone in the house or not.

  
"Don't care if you're a disaster. I'm a disaster. You think I'm cute and I really don't think you want to argue with me, hm?" It was probably best to simply agree with a person who has their hand so dangerously close to the most sensitive and vulnerable organ in the body, but Peridot was argumentative and stubborn by nature, and argued on anyway.  
Between pants and desperate whimpers, Peridot managed to stammer, "You just happen to be a very attractive disaster."

She would butt heads with Lazuli about the subject until the day one of them died, if given the chance. The cheerleader perched on top of her wasn't mean enough to do anything too awful to get her to accept defeat and let the other call her cute without any backtalk. Though, another light laugh, and Lapis had gotten an idea. Noticing how Peridot was struggling to keep the sounds down, in biting her lip though her body moved on its own accord, Lapis grinned, curling her fingers a bit more and searching for a very specific bundle of nerves. She figured Peridot would let her know when she found it.

Even just the slight adjustment had the skinny blonde arching her back more and nodding quickly, sputtering for Lapis to stay in the spot she'd found, and it had the tiny senior grinning wildly. It was... well it was something to see the blonde in such a disheveled state, considering how stoic and cold she usually came off. But Lapis would not deny her of any pleasure, and simply nodded, keeping her hand in its exact place, working relentlessly against the nerve. The hand tangled up in Lapis' hair dropped, instead forming a white knuckled claw around a fistful of bedding. It was all very noisy (almost completely Peridot's doing) and slightly awkward, between the two least likely people in their town, and the lanky girl was in complete bliss as she moaned and whined in response to her partner's touch, having pushed away how close they usually were to killing each other and how she was a loser and Lapis, though fundamentally the very same as she was, was at the top of the food chain.  
All that mattered in that moment was the smaller girl's hands on her body and the space between them being as little as possible because that was what she needed more than anything. It was what they both needed.

Despite how she was, at the moment, effectively pinned by the tiny girl, Peridot squirmed, grinding her hips down to get even closer to her companion's touch and allow her careful fingers to rub just a little harder against the astounding sensitive spot inside her. She mewled as her back arched, far from being reserved and a little embarrassed like Lapis had been.

She supposed it was a matter of experience, or maybe she was just a little more brash than the always polite, courteous girl; she was always vocal, but this entire experience seemed more charged than a simple late night hookup somehow, probably because she knew Lapis and had learned just that day that she was more of a real person than most would have guessed.

As soon as her hand had left the cheerleader's hair, the blonde brought it back up to the girl's face, guiding her into a hard, needy kiss, gently biting her bottom lip before breaking away to choke out a moan. She kept Lapis close, panting against cool skin between kisses, whined the girl's name, pleas for nothing in particular, and like always, language that would make a more proper lady blush darker than the tomboy's own face.  
Lips millimeters from the other girl's, chest heaving, she breathed, "F-fuck, Lapis, this is- you're amazing."

Perhaps she had always been less than observant, but Lapis was genuinely surprised by how Peridot was reacting; she'd taken the slacker to be more of a quiet type, certainly not the panting, moaning mess that was displayed before her.

Before replying to the claim, Lapis laid a kiss to Peridot's forehead, and then to her jawline, returning their faces to the previous position, noses so close they bumped every now and then. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself..." Though in fear that she was hurting the other, Lapis scanned for any signs of discomfort, and seeing none, she mumbled comforts into the crook of Peridot's neck. "You're okay." Bracing herself, she brought the hand that had been against the mattress, supporting her weight, up to caress the side of Peridot's face, oddly gentle. Making it a point to maintain eye contact.  
As if sensing the other girl's need, Lapis attempted to angle her fingers to press against the spot more, which resulted in the palm of her hand pushing down lightly, brushing against more charged skin and providing more friction.

Lapis shifted her hand and suddenly Peridot was trying not to shake as her chest was pushed forward with the arc of her back, a broken groan forcing its way from her throat. From behind gritted teeth, she groaned, "Right there, oh my god stay right there."  
She was warm, too warm really, despite wearing next to nothing, but that was okay, she could definitely live with that if it was the only current downside of the situation. The blonde found herself staring up at the wide, ocean blue eyes of the smaller girl and biting her lip in an effort keep anything above a whine under wraps, because somehow eye contact made things different.

"Don’t worry. I'm not moving," she soothed, muscles in her arm rigid as they stayed in place, hand working against the sensitive skin with vigor but also tenderness. Peridot's eyes were a beautiful shade of green, which Lapis found she easily got lost in. Less occupied hand, thumb brushing against the clammy skin of the other's cheek, she nearly pleaded for Peridot to let go, in a tone that was all too calm. And Lapis repeated phrases quietly, ones that seemed much too foul to be coming from such a well-mannered girl, kissing her neck a handful of times before sitting up, to watch the full scene once Peridot finally came undone.

She was close, very, very close, but was determined to last a few moments longer at the very least, because having Lapis around like this was something to savor. Still, her sweet little mumblings added to the intoxicating effect she had on the willowy senior underneath her, and then the open palm that Peridot happily nuzzled into- lord, this girl was something else. She was so much closer now, as well, and the blonde's pale jade eyes locked with hers as she panted and ground against her hand. Her cheeks were tinted a deep pink and release felt so teasingly close now, and she was whimpering, finding it tougher to control all of the little movements she found herself making. She felt vulnerable, but knew she was in good hands. It was confusing. It was... nice.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

She only held on a moment longer after the quiet reassurance, tipping her head to allow better access to the milky skin of her neck. Then, with a strangled moan, she let herself finish, body wracked with spasms and rendered temporarily useless while her mind clouded over. Her bare chest heaved as it was pushed forward still, her back at an angle at, which, in any other circumstance, would probably be fairly uncomfortable, as she writhed.

It was ecstasy, it was fantastic, and it was even better than any other time because this was Lapis, cute Lapis who sat in front of her in seventh grade math the whole year and only learned her name when she chopped her hair off and the rumors started flying. Lapis, who hated her from an outside perspective.

That made the moment ever sweeter and somehow all kinds of triumphant, and as she moaned she wasn't even aware that her lips were shaping the sounds that should have just been incoherent noise into the swimmer's name against her own will.

At the mere sight of Peridot unraveling, wordless moans in a mix of profanity, caused a blissful daze to cloud over Lapis' mind, and she bit her lip giddily as the scene unfolded.

This was Peridot. Peridot who she hadn't known for the longest time, whom she still kind of hated but had to admit spit out some of the most enticing sounds she'd ever heard. Eyes widening, muscles tensing, Lapis was sure to remain in her spot as Peridot rode out her high, mindful to accommodate for the less than graceful arch of a back, only withdrawing her fingers when the taller found herself sliding backwards, she straightened out, panting softly. Her limbs tingled and her head swam, but as soon as she would see straight she sat up to loop skinny arms around the tiny girl's neck, pressing their foreheads together.

She was still a little out of breath, panting, "Lapis, oh my god," before kissing her, more gently now. Slumping weakly against her small frame, the blonde slacker echoed the statement even more quietly.

Her name; her name falling from Peridot’s mouth was something Lapis would never get tired of hearing, though found it better to shut Peridot up with a kiss, almost too gentle to register.  
"I know, I know. Catch your breath first."

And then what?

Oh god.

Lapis wasn't sure what she wanted, when faced with it. Go back to hating each other. They'd have to. But, did it have to be hostile behind closed doors? Was that what Peridot wanted- was Peridot going to push her off and say something harsh, as she was known to do? At the prospect, Lapis' expression stilled, going a bit pale in the face as she waited with trepidation and a rising heart rate.

What time was it? No, that didn't matter. She didn't care, she was still too dazed and overstimulated to care in the slightest because she was still going over what was real because she was pretty sure that she just up and had sex with the popular, overachieving girl that had caught her eye on and off for as long as she'd had herself figured out because really, who didn't find themselves with a little fleeting crush on their school's queen bee at one point or another?  
  
She accepted another kiss graciously without arguing, though she'd caught on to how the swimmer used the little gesture of affection more often than not. Peridot understood that she could get rather wordy at times, and it was far from unpleasant to be told to shut up like this. Then, she let herself just hang there, the smaller of the two draped in the larger's gangly limbs.

With a weak chuckle against the cool skin of the swimmer's neck, Peridot asked, "You sure you haven't done that before?"

"Not to someone else, no," admitted in a tone that should have been more bashful. But Lapis took refuge in the quiet, serene, that blanketed over her as the gentle embrace, no, the _entirety_ of the situation left Lapis with a fuzzy, tingly sort of feeling that thrummed pathetically through her heart, chest, all the way to her fingertips. And she let it; humming happily, eyes fluttering to a close

Dot let the other go, scooting back a bit to comb her fingers through her disheveled hair, restoring some form of order to her blonde locks. She was stalling, of course. Getting dressed would mean it was time to leave, and leaving meant that she would have to go home and they would be strangers again. She didn't want that. She wanted to stick around, draped over the frail looking girl delivering gentle kisses and idle touches. Still, the time they'd set aside was nearly up and her mother would be home from work soon, wondering where she was. Seemed like she cared when it was inconvenient to the tomboy, leaving her alone with her thoughts when she'd rather the older woman actually be around. She'd learned to operate on her own ages ago. Still, the two seniors still had a short while left before she had to go.

Grinning at the other, Peridot chimed, "Good tutoring session."

 

With the lack of contact, no longer warm and comforted, and with  the return of the hollow, drained sensation that always resided in her gut- to some known as hunger, but it was more of a weakness than anything, Lapis mustered up a faint smile, hoping to play off her exhaustion as completely due to the sex she just had.

"Good session; yes. Tutoring session; I’m not sure about that."

Grinning lazily, Lapis made herself at home in Peridot's lap, nuzzling into the crook of her neck. Before Peridot responded though, Lapis moved, practically flopping down onto the bed, sprawling out against the very displaced sheets. Everything she did at that point could be lumped together to be described as a pitiful attempt to avoid the inevitable; Peridot leaving and taking the mutual understanding with her.

Without even having to think, the lanky girl followed her companion’s movements, curling up next to her on her side. "What, you learned a thing or two, didn't you? I learned something." She flashed a wide, toying grin and planted a quick kiss at the base of Lapis' neck.

With a chuckle, the tutor brushed the implications of that off, and shook her head.  
"All I know is that you had better start doing well in language arts. Got it?" It wasn't exactly a threat though. Had remnants of a tone that could have once been hostile.

 Smirking like she so commonly did, Peridot prodded, "And if I don't? What if I zone off 'cause you're over at the other end of the room and I can't get you out of my head? That would hardly be fair, you know." She nuzzled into the smaller girl's neck, kissing it once more before sighing, "But I suppose I'll try."

The blonde lingered for a moment, eventually standing and casting a glance back at Lapis, only letting the disappointment in having to leave she felt show once her face was directed away from the swimmer. As much as she would have loved to stay, she needed to be home.

Her voice weak, the lanky girl muttered, "I've gotta go right about now. I, uh, I won't get in your way or anything tomorrow." Her pants were plucked off the floor and tugged on, then her cheap cotton bra and finally the tank top. She moved slowly, drawing out the time there. She couldn't look at Lapis, couldn't just do this and leave her and look her in the eye while she did it. She told herself she was a coward as she scooped up her bag, and when her fingertips brushed the metal of the doorknob, she forced herself to say something.

   
Anything.

 

Plastering on the same asshole grin she wore during fistfights, the grin she wore when she threw around joking insults that were really her only form of self defense other than her ability to throw a punch, and told her, "I don't think I quite understand this chapter yet. Same time next week?"

The girl didn't even look at her- didn't even look back until the last second. Lapis wanted to be mad, she wanted to be furious. But knew all too well that if she were Peridot, she wouldn't have been able to bring herself to look either.

Words fell meekly from her mouth, a "Yeah. Same time next week." because, as much as it, right now, pained her, to never truly see Peridot would hurt her more; even if it was secret, rushed meetings like these once a week. She would take it.

At least she had mumbled out a "goodbye". Sitting up, Lapis wrapped a blanket around herself as she watched Peridot tear herself away, because the longer she stayed there, the worse it would hurt when she was back home and so alone.  

  
Because what else was she to do?

"Dammit-" Had she been used? Of course she had.

  
The walk out of the house was silent and sad, and Peridot couldn't bring herself to look back until she was out on the street, turning pale green eyes up to the window that led into Lapis' room before shaking her head and turning to walk home. She clenched her jaw to keep from screaming, mostly to herself for being so stupid. What had she done, really? What was to gain? It wasn't like she could have anything serious with the other girl, not in this damn school.

Home was empty, as it always was. She slipped inside, climbing the stairs to her room and slamming the door behind her and collapsing face down onto her unmade bed. The night crawled on. Dinner with her mother, silent. Slipping back upstairs, gingerly pulling a young ball python from his tank and sitting with him in her lap in an effort to soothe herself.

When it didn't work and she was still reeling, the willowy girl stalked off to the bathroom to shower, the water rolling off of her pale body tinged pink because she couldn't deal with everything that had happened without numbing herself to some degree, and once her face had lost some of the little colour it had, she finished up with washing, stopped the bleeding on her legs, and climbed into bed far earlier than any proper teenage rebel should. Curled up under covers, she let the tears come, shaking and alone as usual.

Alone. That's how Lapis stumbled through the rest of the day too.

Alone. Ignored all her texts.

Not even bothering to get dressed, in a pitiful attempt to placate herself, Lapis dumped the pile of homework on her desk, which she sat slumped at, and worked. Things due weeks from then, but to get them out of the way.

Math was nothing. Science, with one eye closed. History with her hands tied behind her back but when the subject of language arts was approached, a nasty feeling tugged at her gut, and she let a few tears drip down onto the paper before standing up. No- bolting up and out of her room, slamming the door with her shaking arm and tripped at least twice on the way to the bathroom, where she did something not so graceful. Perfectly maintained hands clutched white porcelain as though it were a lifeline until her whole body shook, sent up the contents of her stomach, which was nearly nothing, ended up dry heaving for nearly half an hour. And it burned. Burned like it always did. sent up the contents of her stomach, which was nearly nothing, ended up dry heaving for nearly half an hour.

After nothing new was over, she found herself slipping numbly back into her room, and under the covers once her homework was packed away for tomorrow. And the aching memories of a slacker laced with venom were enough to distract her from the tears that slid down her face until she found herself drifting off eventually. Lapis buried herself under the covers and no longer wept, but would have to deal with tear stains in the morning. Not that her parents would care- not that they would know; they arrived home way into Lapis' slumber, figuring their daughter could take care of herself. And would be gone before she woke, off to whatever they did that maintained a perfect house, a perfect life, and such a perfect child.


	5. Breakfast Is A Rude Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw eating disorder mention  
> tw self harm metion  
> tw homophobic slur
> 
> they continue to suffer

The morning was rushed; she'd slept in shorts and ended up opening up the thin wounds on her long legs and had to take a few minutes to wash the dried blood. After pulling on clothes, skipping breakfast because she couldn't be bothered, Peridot found herself rummaging through the cupboards for something individually packaged, something almost universally liked. Something substantial.   
As she eyed the clock, she made a hasty decision and snatched a package of peanut butter cracker sandwiches. Lapis wasn't allergic, was she? She never saw her at the peanut free table in elementary school. It would have to do. Slamming down a sheet of paper, she scrawled a note, short and to the point.

"Please take care of yourself. -P." The blonde wrapped it around the snack, shoving both into her hoodie pocket before leaving into the crisp morning air.

 

As most mornings went, Lapis awoke with a head and stomach ache, the world surrounding blurry, but because of the extent of the behavior she'd adopted, Lapis was more than used to it, and tumbled out of bed, shuffling to her closet.   
Though in the most of clichés, she was suppose to throw on layers of clothes, a baggy hoodie and straight jeans and pull the hood over her face so no one would see, an angsty symbolism for what had happened the day prior.   
No. Lapis slipped into skinny jeans, a shirt, and spent the time she would have used to eat breakfast, by putting makeup on. No one would see the dark circles under her eyes- and the hollowness to her cheeks? Contour. No one would be the wiser.

  
But, just like everyone else, Lapis was victim to the bustle of the mornings, rushing out the door, nearly forgetting her backpack, joining the other students to stand half asleep until the bell rang. Just about everybody showed up at the school at the same time, and in the groggy shuffle, the slacker spotted the petite girl. Weaving through the crowd, she bumped arms with the other senior to get her attention, silently passing off the food and message with a concerned half-smile before lowering her gaze and pulling ahead.

Only getting a glimpse of blonde hair, Lapis looked down at the package.  

 

Food. Right.

 

Oh. Peridot. (had she smiled?), as shown by the note, the athlete came to terms with the fact that there was no return policy on Peridot’s little gift, also realizing it was too late to call out or thank her, Lapis huffed, and fought tears because just the  _ notion _ was hard enough to swallow. 

Damn it. Right.

 

Like she could stomach that.

  
She crammed the snack into her bag, along with the note, as if it had never been given to her. Hopefully Peridot wouldn't be offended.

The day, unlike the night before, was a blur. Voices around her in the hallway were a dull roar and classes were tuned out as usual, even the ones she was usually fairly enthusiastic about. Peridot was in a rut. School, go home, interact minimally with her mother, and then hide away behind a locked bathroom door to open up the skin of her thighs, bleeding to keep from checking out completely, then sleeping for as long as she could. Mornings were what she looked forward to. Every morning was a different snack, a different note carrying the same general meaning signed with a single letter, always passed off wordlessly before making a speedy retreat. Classes were tough. Their eyes would meet. Sometimes, when nobody was paying enough attention to take notice, coy smiles were exchanged- along with some vulgar vocabulary Lapis decided would be fun to mouth across the room- and Peridot spent the rest of the period with her mind somewhere else entirely. Fuck.

  
Her routine followed- even the new aspects of catching green eyes in class and either scolding  _ pay attention  _ or, as the days went on, it was more likely to see Lapis making obscene gestures.

  
It had to be routine. Because routine meant she knew what to do, and that meant order, and order was just another step closer to perfection, which was what Lapis strived for. To be. Not that she wasn't already. 

And even though Lapis could find just about any excuse, tell herself as to why she wasn't eating, she wasn't dumb. Well. That was arguable.

Food was required to live; and Lapis’ 4.0 GPA wasn’t going to maintain itself over her grave. So with each passing day, each accumulated note and snack, she would return home, place it neatly on her desk, in chronological order. God there had to be  _ some kind of order.  _

For at some point in the day, she’d stomach half of it- for someone else's sake, even though it made her nauseous. Even if it came back up later. 

  
The next they had arranged to meet couldn't come soon enough, between every little glance Peridot had shared with Lapis and the number she was doing on her skin, genetically close to perfect but damaged beyond repair. For two days before, she forced herself to turn away from any blade, to let what was already there heal enough to stay closed and not worry the poor girl any more than she needed to. God, how she hoped Lapis was being kind to herself, kinder than Peridot at least. The school could have crumbled around her, but the blonde may not have noticed, staring through others when they spoke to her, gnawing lightly on the end of a pen to keep some of her nervous energy at bay.

  
When the final bell rang, she was one of the first ones out of the English room, dodging and weaving to get to her locker before the others. Spin the dial, don't bother to even read the numbers because the movements themselves had been memorized, grab the same bag that had carried her things in eighth grade, and make her way outside. The tomboy stood in the exact same spot she had seven days earlier to make finding her even easier as she leaned, shoulder pressed against the cold stone of the school building. Pale eyes scanned for the tiny girl behind thick lenses, and her mind brushed on the fact that they hadn't spoken for a week. Was that a big deal? They never spoke during school days, or outside them. Was it different now? She didn't know. The tall blonde was just as new to this odd, fairly painful dynamic as Lapis was.

The smaller girl would, naturally be a straggler. There was always something to hold her up, someone to stop her that would want to talk, gossip that despite her disinterest, she would have to listen to. Though when each exchange got a little too lengthy for her liking, Lapis would smile and apologize, mumbling out how she was expecting to meet someone, then excuse herself. No one, of course, minded. A conversation with Lapis Lazuli was a conversation with Lapis Lazuli. 

  
Stepping outside, a grimace flickering across her face upon noticing the weather was getting colder, which would mean more layers of clothing, she scanned the thinning crowd to find Peridot in the same place she had been last week. Easy enough. She strode over, paused, and continued on to her house without a word, expecting that the other would follow.

Like the time before, Peridot had trailed dutifully behind the smaller girl. Not like the time before, she moved in a manner more akin to a lost puppy rather than the livid, icy stalk from last time that screamed "I'm only here because I have to be." This time, all of the rage and venom had been replaced with anticipation with just a hint of fear. Lapis wasn't speaking, and that scared her, but she looked no better or worse in terms of health than she had seen the week before. That was good.

  
Would it be weird? Hopefully not- the first time it occurred, they'd never spoken prior. So one week shouldn't have made much of a difference. Yet the nagging feeling in the back of Lapis’ mind, affectionately named foreboding, told her she would come to find the difference one week could make. 

Were they going to...?   
Perhaps spewing vulgar obscenities during class hadn't been the wisest of choices. Unlock the door, into the house, up the stairs and into her room- the whole process had an odd, unreal feel to it not unlike déjà vu. Panicking, Lapis hastily tossed her bag to the side, and gathered her collection of endearing notes off the desk, shoving them haphazardly into a drawer- this Peridot recognized and it made her heart soar despite how she had promised herself to not get attached. There wasn't much rhyme or reason to it, but more so that Lapis was on edge, nerves fried, with the anticipation of this- and she realized she hadn't even spoken to Peridot yet.   
  
"Um-"

  
As soon as the petite senior opened her mouth to speak, the blonde was upon her, one hand directing her chin up so she didn't have to stoop very far down to kiss her, the other on her hip and she could feel the familiar sharp edges of the girl and the familiarity was so, so comforting. Break for air, kiss her again. Kiss her for every time their eyes had met and Peridot had said nothing because they were at school and she had promised to keep away. She used her size to her advantage, directing the swimmer, shifting her so her back was against one of the bright white walls and pressing close before purring in a tone that was more playful than anything else, "You little tease, how d'you expect me to pay attention in class when your obvious intentions are to completely derail my line of thought?"

Immediately, the tutor poured a flush, eyes staring up as a deer caught in headlights as she wracked her brain for a decent wait to respond. But quivering in the presence of the slacker whose reputation was all bitter words and sharp stares, all eloquence left the puny girl. She came up with nothing.

  
"I didn't- I… uh, I won’t do it again, I-"

Instead of prolonging her embarrassment, Lapis silenced herself. This never got easier, did it?    
  
Peridot kept her pinned, firm but far from overly forceful because she had seen what Lapis looked like under her clothing and she had looked fragile, and the blonde was determined above all else not to hurt her. She nipped at her bottom lip, giving it the gentlest tug with sharp canines and then kissing again to quell any sting it could have left.   
Forehead pressed up against the other girl's, she breathed, "Now, I wouldn't want to make you quit doing something you enjoy. If you do, in fact, enjoy it that is." As she spoke, she slipped a leg between Lapis' and they were even closer then, the hand that had propped up her chin snaking through her hair.

  
The smaller senior tipped her head back against the wall, emitting a low, drawn out whine that was  _ totally not her fault  _ because Peridot's knee was between her thighs and pressing up to coax little keens out, and she felt the urge to grab hold to Peridot in a vice grip to keep herself steady. But she didn’t know how that would go over, so instead her hands scrambled for purchase against the bright white wall pressed against her back, but the slick of her palms was not doing anything to aid that.    


"What are you going to do about it?" Oh god. That had definitely come out more challenging than Lapis intended for it to. 

  
The tomboy's jade eyes lit up then, gleaming at the next words said. They were absolutely some sort of dare, or at least were about to be taken as one. Voice barely audible, she nuzzled into Lapis' soft hair, purring, "I could just keep you like this and take my turn to tease. Not let you get off at all. Or I could use my tongue and not let you stop. Not until you're shaking and mewling and can't think worth a damn. You tell me."

She was afraid of hurting the poor girl, that was true. She was in a constant state of seeking approval, also very true. But like most could say from experience, Peridot could be cruel when she was provoked. She wasn't quite there, and this was all just a game, but the gauntlet had been thrown down and she wasn't going to let some stupid feelings get in the way.

Did Peridot seriously expect her to make a decision? Lapis bit her lip, eyes locked on the other's, unable to look away. 

This was all just a joke to them; wasn't it? The big bad slacker taking her chances and being full of herself because she’d managed to get laid with the school’s queen bee?

God how Lapis  _ hated  _ being used. It was one of the things she couldn't stand- wouldn't stand for. But with the way Peridot was both eyeing and feeling her up, once again any social morals that Lapis had were quickly set aside. 

 

"You think that’s something I should get to decide?" mumbled, voice timid but still audible. "You do what you see fit. I'll accept it either way because I deserve it. Fair?" Lapis trusted Peridot.... Right? Fuck, what had she signed herself up for?

 

Peridot let out a gravelly hum, filtered through a chuckle, kissed along her jawline, trailing down her neck and going as low as the already flustered girl's top would permit. The smaller girl's cheeks were flushed dark, warm and pink, and the blonde in front of her had encased herself in some frigid calm. It was all an act, of course. In truth, her heart hammered in her chest and she could practically hear her blood pounding in her ears, but that was something that the swimmer didn't need to know. She was still just a little wary- don't leave a mark anywhere people could see, don't hurt her because she's hurting enough already, don't hesitate at the sight of scars and bones. She was a fast learner, Lapis had certainly discovered that the last time she was over.

 

The hand that had rested on her hip shifted, moving to the tiny girl's chest and cupping her while their lips met again. If she wasn't on a mission of sorts to make herself seem bigger than she was- because really, she was small despite her height and just as fragile as the girl before her, in different ways -she would have been content like this, with lazy touches and sweet kisses.   
But it wasn't the time for that, and she pressed against the girl with her leg, positioned just so, and kisses her hard only to back off a little too soon, leaving her frustrated and wanting. This wasn't the same Peridot. That one could be coaxed out easily, Lapis had enough of an effect on the lanky blonde to do that, but seemed far away now. This was the Peridot that cackled as she fought and found herself in houses she didn't know, tangled up in the limbs of some girl whose name she never bothered to learn as smoke from the party in the floor below hung in the air, and seemed overall content with destroying herself.

  
The exchange was hollow and Lapis despised it. Loathed it-  _ God _ if Peridot was going to fuck her, she could  _ at least _ bring half of an emotion to the table.

After a week of hiding and hurting, slipping off somewhere nobody could find her to let the rest of the world fall away and focus on pain, letting something else entirely take place was a blessing. Peridot’s hand worked at Lapis' chest through layers of fabric so that the touch was just barely too light to be truly satisfying. Though the shell of anger and ice and supposed aloofness was thick, the half second of careful hesitation always remained. She cared too much, even when she put up walls for the sole purpose of keeping that from happening, and it showed, when she handed off food to the girl or flushed scarlet even when the little snippets of conversation mouthed across the classroom were completely innocent.

Stepping forward, huffing only slightly, the cheerleader looked up to the other with a fairly unreadable expression, perhaps laced with a tinge of hurt. 

Peridot reminded her so much of herself like this; on nights of binging then purging, a viscous cycle and how she was too numb to think the next day. A kind of sad that clung for weeks that knocked around in her hollow torso and head. Without thinking much, her hand raised and she beckoned Peridot closer- "Come down here; to my level," in a tone which was timid but firm. The same idea that had started all of this in the first place.

When she was told to get down, she got down. Her eyes still shone with wicked hunger and she wore her trademark smirk, but she got down, pale eyes locked with those of the other senior. "Yesss?" She drew out the word, allowing it to hang in the air and occupy what little space was between them. Another kiss, this one just beginning to stray from the cold, thoughtless ones before.  _ No, don't let her in. You can't care. _

She did anyway.

Her gaze going steely, Lapis nearly growled, hands snaking around and locking behind Peridot's neck, and with a firm grip, tugged her close. Made her stay there. Before Peridot could do so much as gasp, Lapis had taken charge and she was locked in a desperate kiss, groaning against the other's mouth. When the smaller girl pushed, she pushed back with just as much force and God, the sound. It was dark and throaty and possessive. Possessive- was Peridot hers? At that point, she might as well have been. She wouldn't dare stray from whatever they had for another because it wouldn't be the same electrically charged atmosphere they currently had going, and even though they were far from being an item, she was fairly certain that Lapis would all but murder her if she did as well.   
A kiss followed, the mix of teeth, tongue, whimpers, snarls and desperation as Lapis held the other, taking a few steps back to lean against the wall again once more. Everything was spinning, her fingers slipped, cupping the back of Peridot’s head and tugging at the hair as she held the other senior close, though the warmth that dared break through the anger manifested in the way her thumb tucked itself in the tender notch behind Peridot’s ear.

She was frustrated, and that's exactly what Peridot wanted. And damn, Lapis recognized that it was a trap, yet she'd walked right into it anyway. Standing on her toes, Lapis pulled away, instead moving to the other's neck, fighting every instinct to leave bite marks- she nearly did, too. Anger, because Peridot knew how badly she needed this, but wouldn't let her have it, but it was right there.

"You know," Lapis began, lifting her head and resting her forehead against the other girl's, though that required her to ease Peridot's head to the proper height.   
"If you're not going to, I could just get myself off, give you something to watch?" The tone she offered it in was innocent, but thick all the same, a coy smile tugging up the corners of her mouth. 

The blonde bit her lip in a wide grin, then leaned forward to kiss along the line of one of the girl's collarbones, murmuring, "Patience, sweets. Good things come to those who wait, don't they?" She doubted Lapis would be able to anyway, not in front of her. Lord, she was embarrassed enough the first time she'd managed to choke out a moan.

Was it different? Were they acting different? Or was it in the way they carried themselves, not behind closed doors? When reputations mattered and everyone was out to get them, and the effects of that were still wearing off.

The grin faltered, Lapis' hands placed lightly on Peridot's hips, and she whispered a question into the air, one she half didn't expect an answer to. "God, what have you been doing while I wasn't looking?"

  
The contact ceased and the slacker panicked for a moment, the mask she wore melting away at light speed as her eyes widened with concern. Dropping her gaze in the silence after the question, she fought for an answer.

What could she tell her that didn't hurt to say? Hurt to  _ hear? _

Shit, something had snapped and she could feel the very beginnings of tears sting in the corners of her eyes, hastily blinking them away before the tiny swimmer could see.

With a defeated laugh, she muttered, "What I always do."

Perhaps they could have been something more. Because the four word response she'd received brought the familiar stinging sensation to Lapis’ eyes too, tears welling up and threatening to spill, but she wouldn't allow that, even though it was so blatantly obvious. So obvious what Peridot was doing to herself, and all she had to do was pathetically laugh out four words. 

Lapis uttered a curse, hands slipping up into Peridot's blonde hair as she leaned up and kissed her, gently. Like she could be broken- both so fragile in the terrible, terrible situation they found themselves in. But Lapis didn't want to be patient; she wanted answers. All her life, used to getting things when she simply asked, whether or not she deserved them. The kiss started off slow, as though that could repair the other, then turned dark, grip tightening because getting her head around this was impossible.

  
"What do you want?"

It was an honest question. Lapis was many things, and would allow many things to happen to herself- but being used was not one of them. She didn't care by who.

"Just to fuck me because I'm the only other queer in this town?" Continuing on, with a defeated tone, Lapis had to avert her gaze. She couldn't look- she couldn't. "Do you want me to care? I- I don't... understand. I don't know what to do, Peridot- you're confusing me." God she was rambling.

Releasing Peridot's hair, allowing her to stand properly, Lapis found herself at a loss for words, and meekly rested her head against the other's chest. "Sorry, just- fuck..."

 

_ Do not cry in front of her. You are Peridot, you can take a punch to the face and come up laughing. You can take any insults thrown your way with a smile and a rude gesture. Do not fucking cry. _

 

Peridot leaned into every touch and she was just so damn tired. Of what, she didn't even know, but she couldn't go on like this, hating herself for a week, giving herself an hour or two off to run away from it all, then repeating the process. She wiped the tears forming in Lapis' eyes away with rough thumbs, cradling her face with her hands even once the deed was finished and it felt wrong and sour, but she couldn't let go. She kissed her once more, keeping her in place for just half a moment longer when she tried to pull away because she was desperate to keep her there so she wouldn't have to talk, because when she talked, she could say something wrong and that was what got people hurt.

She looked down at the floor, then straight up, running her face with with hands and letting a shaky sigh wrack her body.

"I don't even know." Her voice was small, smaller than she had expected it to be, and perforated with a thousand tiny cracks that threatened to break into something worse at any moment. "I just- I just need to feel something." Lapis could pull her out of the fog she lived in, she had proved that the week before and it was damn magical.

Her hands dug into her sides and probably opened up a cut or two, but they were minor and wouldn't bleed enough to be fussed over and the sting was good because it kept her mind spinning. Anything to keep from feeling numb. The blonde had to laugh then, palm on her forehead with her fingers clasped in her bangs.

"Lapis, I don't want you to care. If you care you'll get hurt and that sucks and you don't deserve it, you know? Please don't care about me." Her proud posture was crumbling and as she slumped, she murmured, "I'm so laughably far from worth it, you know?"

She stroked the smaller girl's hair, cheeks wet now because Lapis couldn't see them and if she moved, the tomboy could wipe them away before she had a chance to take a look.

It was too late- too late for all of those things that Peridot wanted, because they'd already been put into motion; the first domino tipped that damn day last week. The first time they'd talked. Forced to spend a few hours together and look where it was getting them.

  
"I already hurt and I already care. Don't- don't say that about yourself. Don't say those shitty things." Her head snapped up at the comment 'I'm so laughably far from worth it' because of a reason she couldn't quite explain; the fact that it was a lie would have to suffice. Too late, because Lapis had already seen the tears on Peridot's cheeks and they registered, yes. But weren't judged because damn it they were both crying and it sucked. Still, long sleeves wiped bitter, angry tears away and she grimaced and swore under her breath because Lapis had been too quick for her.

"Shut up, just shut up," Lapis essentially pleaded, reaching up once more and pulling the taller girl down and smashing their lips together because she refused to hear another negative thing. Refused to let Peridot even think something like that would make her forget. "I will make you feel something," she hissed. “Please,” Lapis tried again, words weak, almost pathetic, the cheerleader murmured quietly against Peridot's mouth as her head spun. “Let me make you feel something.” 

Her perfectly manicured hands trailed soft lines over Peridot’s face as she nuzzled gently into the taller girl.    
“If you want to do this, fine. If not, okay- I don't care. Whatever you want; I'm yours. Understand?" Quivering, body overcome by sighs and shivers, Lapis clung to the other, glancing over to the bed, because sooner or later she wasn't going to be able to stand. Already struggling with such a simple task.

  
Peridot listened and shut up, but didn't believe. How could she? She was  _ too damn pathetic _ , too content with hating herself and letting that hatred fester and blindly accepting what she was told about herself, the whispers shared between snickering peers in the hallway. 

She tugged off her glasses, tossing them in the general direction of her bag. They were old and cheap anyway, and she could see well enough without them. Kissed the smaller girl back, wrapping her arms around her little frame and held on like she was the blonde's last tether to this miserable life that she wasn't quite ready to leave yet, and she was so small, and Peridot's limbs so long. They didn't quite fit together perfectly like any couple worth being written about, they weren't these perfect puzzle pieces made to cling and hold onto each other. She didn't care.

She didn't let go when she unbent her knees, catching the longing glances from Lapis and hoisting her up like an overgrown child. And to the star student- the perfectionist- it was  _ really fucking nice  _ because Peridot made it seem so easy and that was a reward of the self-destructive behavior the cheerleader had adopted- she hummed longingly. Eyes fell shut because the repercussions of their escapades had evaded her, and she didn't care. Was completely and utterly willing to be open and be Peridot's. Do whatever she wanted. Be whoever she wanted. That would only last between them though, seeing as how once they stepped past the threshold of the room, of each other, everything was different, and that still applied. She guessed.

Peridot moved in shuffling steps because no matter how small and light she was, she was still right on the bigger girl's knees and that didn't make for easy walking. She set Lapis down on the bed so gingerly, holding her face once again and kissing her.

"You're mine. I'm yours. I don't know what we are but... yeah." She climbed up next to her, then crawled, the shift of the mattress indicating a new weight. Peridot was behind her, a leg on either side and her chin resting on the swimmer's shoulder, totally enveloping her because Lapis needed this as much as she did.

Both girls' body temperatures, the blonde senior had noticed, seemed to run a bit below average. Neither was exactly good at taking care of herself, so that was probably a part of it. Together, though, they were warm and that came as a comfort. She let her eyes shut for a moment, sitting in silence with the smaller of the two and it was nice. She was content. Not happy, not quite there yet because she was still angry that they couldn't have what she knew they both desperately wanted, but content nonetheless. In that moment, that bubble in time where the two sat away from everything else, away from school work and belligerent classmates and parents that only seemed to care on a superficial level because it was required of them, sex didn't matter.   
Feelings didn't matter, and neither did Lapis' figure or how Peridot's legs ached and burned from being torn open too many times. It was just togetherness, with the tomboy's arms draped around the cheerleader like they could fend off every aspect of the world.   
She was hurt, she had said so herself and holding her was all that the tomboy could think to do.   
Nuzzling and peppering her cheek and neck with the tiniest kisses, she breathed, "Lapis, I'm sorry. For everything."

  
Lapis breathed out a shaky sigh because this was exactly what she needed. To be held, to be coddled, to be protected, to be cherished, to be taken care of and to be told everything was going to be okay and to be  _ loved _ \- no.

  
Peridot didn't love her.

Head lolling back onto the taller girl’s shoulder, Lapis bit back a frown.

"S' okay. Not your fault. None of this is." Just two teenagers who had been fucked over by life. Nothing special, it was everyone’s cliche.

Hands creeped under the hem of her own shirt, ghosting along the bumps of her ribs and _ for once _ in Lapis' plastic life, she hated the feeling, and dug her fingernails into the skin as though that would make it go away.

"You can't fix it. Don't apologize."

  
She only let the smaller girl's hands linger for a moment before chasing them with her own, wrapping them up in a way that mirrored how their bodies were pressed together and folding Lapis' fingers down.

 

"Don't. Please."

 

_ Please just love yourself _ . 

 

It was hypocritical and Peridot knew it, but she couldn't help but doing anything she could to try to make the tiny girl feel even the least bit comfortable in her own skin. With a sad sigh, she ran her hands along the bony ridges of the honor student's shoulder.   
Voice as small and weak as ever, Peridot murmured, "I can try though, can't I? Try to at least distract you."   
That was all she knew how to do, because she was emotionally incompetent and her own way of "helping" herself involved a cold blade on even colder skin and she wanted anything but that for the smaller girl.

  
The smaller of the two barked out a laugh, though it came out mostly through an exhale out her nose, which scrunched up in a half smile, half grimace. It was funny.   
"Yeah. I guess." Her tone was dull and flat, lacking the usual passion that Lapis was famous for. Or was she just losing it?   
"What good is distracting though, when it just leaves me feeling even more hollow inside? Cause everything's so good- so wonderful and then all of a sudden it's not. It just stops, and I can't do that." At that point, the tiny girl couldn’t tell if her words made sense, or if they were coherent at all, or just meaningful phrases strung together until they were meaningless. Perhaps still understandable. Hopefully.   
"Like this. Right now: I want this forever. To sit here, with you. But I can't." Because the world didn't revolve around Lapis Lazuli. It might have at one point, but that seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago.

  
Peridot, know-it-all Peridot of all people, was left without an answer to give.   
"I- I don't know. But it's better than feeling empty all the time and I can't have you feeling like that." She wouldn't let her, because despite every wall she thought she had constructed to the best of her ability, Lapis had effortlessly broken them down and wormed her way into the bitter blonde's heart and that stung worse than anything she could do to herself.   
"I'll call you, whenever you want it of need it, I'll come over when you need someone I just- fuck, Lapis, please be kind to yourself." Her mother didn't care where she stole off to at night, and she barely ever did homework anyway. What else was she to do? What could come close to comparing to the afternoons she had spent in this house, entwined in the cheerleader and completely at peace with everything.

  
"I don't like being this way. It's ugly- it makes me ugly. But I can't stop." The confession was mumbled into the skin of the blonde's hand, because instead of rejecting the gesture completely, Lapis brought Peridot's hand up to her mouth and kissed it before speaking. "And you're sitting here, so worried about me. But God, look at you. You won't even let me be concerned about you-" 

  
The grin she had forced in an effort to make Lapis smile back broke as soon as it had appeared then, and the saline sting of tears made her blink hard. Not knowing what else to do, she pulled the small girl into her lap and cradled her there. She was so astoundingly light. She kissed her forehead, either cheek, her lips just once, so faintly.   
"Lapis, shut up. Please. You're beautiful, okay? Like strikingly, infuriatingly beautiful and don't you dare say you aren't. Not despite all this, and not because of it either. You just are, okay?" Fingertips ghosted down the natural curve of her face, and tears, now freely flowing despite the sad, broken smile she wore, did the same down Peridot's. "You can't get better if you don't let yourself see that.”   
Lapis practically melted into the blonde- Jesus, it was nice to have someone to lean on. They could lean on each other. That would be okay. Right? 

Peridot tried to ease her, tried to coax a smile or a laugh or at the very least something other than a frown. She continued, speaking the first things that popped into her head in the quickest effort to have her tiny companion glowing again.

"Try not to worry about that right now. Don’t do the worrying; you’ve got a lot on your plate. Let me be the concerned one- I think I've made it pretty clear that I can't love myself, so I've gotta find something to."

  
  
  


Wait.  _ Fuck. _


	6. not an update: A/N

hey so this isn't an update and i know a lot of ppl are going to be pissed when they see 'cwpbc updated' but not really :( i just wanted to apologize here, for those of you who follow this story but don't follow me on tumblr.

yes, there is more writing/content and the story doesn't quite end here. it's just. _a lot_ of writing and super overwhelming to think about editing. plus, school started back up so i find myself w/ no motivation to do it. and, my writing partner- rothbart- just started college so she's been super busy w/ that and we haven't created new content since ?? probably February lmfao. i'm going to try to edit and post a new chapter over thanksgiving break, and see how everything goes from there.

but eventually content is going to run out and idk if attie (rothbart) would want me to write the rest on my own or not but it's not as fun that way. we have this plot planned pretty far so we'll see.

again, i'm sorry for the inactivity.


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